I do not know where to begin. I work with him. Unfortunately, his position requires that I interact with him pretty much daily, or at least see him daily. I was attracted to him from the moment I saw him. He fit my physical type profile to a tee. The added bonus was that he was wounded by his first marriage, scarred with trust issues, and emotionally unavailable. He also was cultivating several women, both married and not, in the office. With my addiction to unavailable men, he was a real catch for me. It took awhile of my sick wooing him but eventually, I got him to respond, at least sexually, to me. Boy did I feel validated, wanted and approved of. The side affect of this joy was that I got sick, both physically and emotionally, to my stomach as he continued his flirtations with the other women in the office sometimes making a lunch date with me then breaking it at the last minute to go out with my boss! Obviously, no one in the office was aware of our relationship as it could cost me my job, he is bullet proof. But as long as he was gracing me with his attentions, I would put up with anything. Then he began to pull away. He got a serious relationship with a gal outside the office but continued his attentions to me but now restricted to the office. Eventually, his girl friend broke up with him and he once more discreetly let it be known to interested female persons in the office, he was the wounded victim of a failed relationship. In my addiction, there is no better term for it, I have tried to entice him back to my bed. But at this time he is having none of it, or of me. Actually, this is a very good thing. He is now seeing a married woman in the office as she is safe. I want to scream inside. I have been trying so hard to get well and every time I see him courting her, wanting to be with her and not me, I die inside. I am trying anything to stop obsessing over him. I exercise, eat right,go to therapy, read spiritual as well as practical books. I take an anti-depressant medication. I realize it is not him-that I am the one that is sick because unfortunately, this relationship has echoes in my past relationships. He is as he is and there is nothing I can do or be to make him love me or want to be with me. I have fantasized that if I was just beautiful, or if I was just younger, or if I was just something more or better than what I am, rationally, I know Iâ??m a pretty good catch myself, he could-would love me. Intellectually, I realize the fallacy of this, but logic and rational thinking does not touch the emptiness, longing, and crazy addiction to the anticipation of maybe getting his attention. Last night I could not sleep trying to deal with my compulsive feelings of longing. I have driven past his house to see if he was home, checked his emails at work, followed him both in the office and out of the office. I have IM him with little things just to get him to respond, to acknowledge me. At work I have had to tip-toe around him and not do anything to get him really irritated with me as my employment could be terminated. However, I literally get sick to my stomach seeing him seek out the company of other women. I have started looking for another job but in this economy Iâ??m fortunate to have this job. The end result? I am just starting on my road to recovery. I just want the pain to stop. I want to stop the screaming in my head just love me, see me, acknowledge me. Through therapy and self-analysis I know the genesis of my addiction, growing up in a single parent alcoholic household with a mom who could not love herself let alone her children, to the various relationships of unavailable men looking for love in all the wrong places, to a long term, and now terminated, marriage to an emotionally and sexually unavailable man. I know of the desire to replicate the emotional abandonment of my childhood, to win that battle through my relationships with emotionally unavailable men. But I do not know how to fill the hole, lessen the longing, stop the obsessive thinking and crazy behavior. I do not want to go through this ever again. If I could just end this addiction with this relationship, maybe there would be the possibility of a healthy relationship in my future. Time, in and of itself, is not the answer. Oh, it will lessen the pain of the relationship with this particular individual, but the pain was not caused by him, cannot be fixed by him, and will not stop with him. Its just I am not sure that I will ever be well or will ever be able to have a healthy relationship.
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