Today Ladies I woke up feeling like I wanted to freak, after several nightmares in the past few days, I stood in the shower and didn't want to move... because then I would have to step into yet another tough day without the NH I loved and still love and tomorrow the D. papers hit the dirt ! My son has gone back to college after a fun summer at home, and I felt SO wretched. The day got worse, I started google earthing the address I think my NH now lives at/I got MAD/ I cried/ I felt sad/I felt lonely/I got ANGRY/I feel fat, I feel half of who I used to be. I know they describe this healing takes time and there will be set-backs LOTS OF THEM!!! But my life is in a mess, I left my well paying job, my temporary job quits next week, I am in debt, lots of it! I have a date from a website tomorrow, he makes me laugh but he isn't my usual athelete type. My FWB say he misses me , WTF !!! I called in sick , I wont get paid today, I have tried SO DAMN HARD these past few year to learn why my NH was just that , an NH ! but lately I feel I am losing my mind, I have anxiety , I disassociate in the grocery store, today I emailed a Psychologist who specialises in PTSD and trauma even tho I cant afford to see her. I went to my doctors, she flip and flapped and came up with the usual crapp, and didn't know what to say when I said I wont resort to anti-Ds! My kids say I am legendary, the strongest most awesome woman they know.... so why do I get stuck in my own head, freaking out, fearful of what on earth I have done and being angry for my two ex NHs for lying, train wrecking my life and waltzing off as if I never existed .... Today is a BAHHHHD day in Butterland.
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