I've been gone two months...not sure if some of you remember my story. I was married to a narcissist and very hurtful man. The roller coaster was a nightmare and anytime I would try to leave the pain and withdrawal symptoms were so overwhelming the only relief was in contacting him to go back for more heartache. If u all remember, I decided to divorce because my husband had gotten a girl pregnant when we were on a break right before we reconciled and got married. He hid the knowledge of the pregnancy from me. I found out about it when she called me. Basically over the past 2 years it's been nothing but smoke n mirrors. Lies. Betrayal. And the ultimate pain-- a baby with someone he doesn't even know. We divorced in June but within 2 weeks we were back together living together. He swore he had changed. No more lying. Then that girl had the baby. Paternity tests proved it was his. Heartbroken doesn't even describe my pain. Over the course of 2 months he continued to hide and lie to me about things. Having a secret twitter, FB, and even voicemails from girls. I lived in a constant state of worry. Finally after coming to the same point over and over I ended it. He moves out to a new apartment in 2 weeks. It's so hard. The first week post split I felt like I was going to die. The withdrawal symptoms ate me alive. I see now he never changed or had the intention to change. Those are just words to him. All I ever wanted was for him to be faithful and honest. Sadly he can't do that. I feel like a fool for wasting so much time with him. I spoiled him daily and gave him the best of me. It's a true cycle. I will have these panic attacks when I realize we will never be a couple again. Part of me knows this is a good thing. He is toxic for me. I won't be able to breathe and start over fully until he moves out in Oct. He will say stuff like, u can still come spend the night at my house and we can hang out still. It's like he wants all the benefits of a relationship without the title. We were even set to remarry this month but I cancelled it because I didn't want to get married again and see he had still not changed and be miserable all over again. Reading everyone's posts helps me feel better because u ladies know just what I'm going through. I truly love him but he brings nothing but worry to my heart. The trust has been broken for so long now. I don't know why I feel I need him so much in my life. He is like kryptonite to me. I'm doing my best to get through each day. Thank you for listening all.
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