I cam home today, barely making it through the door with the groceries before I threw them down and felt so damn angry at my hsuband for what he has done. I havent wanted to share all of the Red Flags I should have seen here, because it hurts too much, and I feel stupid! I cannot bear that the man I love, yes still love, with all my heart can have done this to me he walked out without a word ( except muttering Im sorry from 3 floors down) in February and apart from two emails stating he wants a divorce ( the second came 3 months later, saying he has to have surgery and this is all to stressful for him - HUH??? He caused it!!!!!, but that he will file when he feels up it - BUNCH OF CR*P ( excuse me ladies!), HOW DOES HE THINK IVE BEEN FEELING/DOING since he hit me with the N. Train, I cant believe he hasnt cared about me even to ask how I am coping, er, did I want to kill myself ( yes), or any goddamn thing about his wife ( me).... he has taken away my beloved stepkids, and in some ways, my relationship with my darling 9 yr old stepdaughter meant more to me, because it was real. But he wouldnt know anything about love or a real human relationship like that. He knew all about my first marriage and the destruction it caused me in every way, it took me years to get over that N!! And my husband has just made a mockery of all the intimate, soul searching, vulnerable moments I shared with him. I know I am rambling but here are some of the Red Flags ....... our first Christmas he made me cry because I wasnt wrapping the presents ' the right way', he jumped out of the car on a family trip and yelled and banged on it in public in a truly tantrum like way, at the top of his voice in front of everyone all because we disagreed on what the Satnav was saying ; he had to restrain himself whilst I was driving so he wouldnt smash his fist into the windscreen ( another 'debate'), when I had a mini meltdown and took myself away for a week, the night I got back he was very romantic , flowers, dinner, candles etc... then over another imagined slight, he launched in a 3 hour rage whilst I hid under the bedclothes, I couldnt leave because I had had wine. I have locked myself in the bathroom during another tirade and googled womens-aid on my phone, I have called the police after another time, because I really thought after he smashed the light switch I just wanted someone outside to tell me I wasnt going crazy! He has sulked on several family occasions, to the point where many of my family and friends noticed but were too polite to say anything. He has stormed off on holiday twice in a rage, once as we debated the date on an ancient monument ( the sulk lasted all afternoon), he has stormed off because I moved the car and he couldnt see me in it and thought I had abandoned him. he has yelled the odds on more than one occasion because I asked him not to shout so loud, so he shouted even more. I was mortified that half the street could hear! He has stormed out of a restaurant on our first night on holiday, and I felt I was in some sort of crazy movie as I had to rush out after him trailing behind in misery all the way back to the hotel. I really didnt care if I got run over on the way back , because I was so miserable !!!!!! He has told me " You need to be put in your place woman" a couple of times. Why am I telling you this? Because today is the most angry I have felt, mixed in with soul destroying sadness and grief at what he has taken away from me, from us, from my stepchildren. He has no heart, so how can they operate on one ? He has no soul, so how can the Holy Spirit save him? How can he hate and blame me so much, when my 'crime' was to love him unconditionally, let him into my home with my children , let him into my heart and my soul when after all I had been through up until I met him, he then destroyed me to the point where I am done with men, done with love, done with the whole 'romantic relationship' 'Marriage for life' rubbish...... that i am still standing is testament to the love I have for my children, and because my family and friends scraped me back up ( again) and are trying to get me through this and out the other side , I am not looking for pity or answers, I am beyond words as to how I feel and how crucified I am inside, How can this man who I truly believed was the One after everything I had been through with men before....... smash me into pieces so small, I am going to dissolve into the Universe and it is truly Gods Will where I will end up, but i know that unless I can be with my husband, i will never love another man again . Thank you for letting me rant, and thankyou all for being my friends and understanding all of this...... I couldnt get through each day without checking in with you and the forum ( thank you Dracona again for starting it ) Godbless (((((((( Hugs all))))))))))2Butterfly
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