Hi all, I have been in this group for awhile, but never really posted, mostly lurked and commented a few times. I have always had an issue with relationships and especially endings. Most all of my relationships were with alcoholic or unavailable men. Two and a half years ago, I married a man I dated almost 20 years ago, who I put through hell, because of my issues with relationships. He is my second marriage, my first was with an alcoholic, narcissist, who had more issues than me, if that was possible. Together, we were a hot mess. Yes, this wonderful man I married, was still there and still available. We were happy for awhile, at least I thought I was, I finally settled down and was done with my dysfunctional ways, well no. We struggled with infertility, we became distant, we stopped having sex and we stopped talking. I put up a wall and started to resent him for all the unhappiness in my life. Then I did the worst thing I could have ever done, I cheated on him. Not only did I make the worst mistake I could have in my marriage, I chose a very unavailable man, one who is separated, but not divorced, one who drinks too much, one who told me from the start, he was just having fun. Long story short, we had a brief fling, which he ended and now I am falling apart. I am falling apart, because these are old habits that got stirred up, I like to compare it to an addiction and I got a quick fix again and not I am in withdraw. I am in a horrible place in my life right now, my husband does not know, although he now knows something is seriously wrong in our marriage and I told him why, well at least 90% of the problem. I am seriously depressed and feel like I just don't want to be here anymore. There has been NC from the fling for around 3 weeks now, initiated by him. I gave him reason apparently, that he had enough shit in his life and didn't need anymore - his words exactly. I feel like my life is falling apart and I know it is because of old habits that I never addressed. I am trying to find the lessons in this and I know that you keep repeating old mistakes until you get it right, but I feel like my issues and mistakes are now affecting someone else's life, my husband. I hope no one judges me, I know at some point you have all felt the pain of being cheated on. That's my story.
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