debbie, i wish i could tell you anything about this because i too am looking at a divorce because of my alcoloic husband. i was an alcoholic and quit, cold turkey, sort of, wow. my husband is still an alcoholic and my children and i cant take it anymore, he is a mean one too. i am also looking for some answers myself. im sorry i couldnt help you on this.

How are we all stuck in the same spot? We love the guy, but . . .
How would you describe an alcoholic anyway? I saw somewhere about a dry drunk - do any of you know what that means? My husband drinks, but has all of our life. He doesn't get mean or violent; but drinking is a 'stress reducer'. I just don't know what to look for, since my eyese are FINALLY OPEN. Thanks.

so there with you I thought my husband would grow out of it as we met and married in our twenties. Looking back now I can see the signs but I am so naive. Personally I'm not giving up or considering divorce until I've make myself stronger, mainly thru therapy.

Hi. I think we all have to come up with our own "last straw." I found that when I stopped obsessing about what my husband was going to do, I was able to start focusing on what I was going to do, and I was better able to figure out what it was I needed. I tend to rush into things - I certainly rushed into my marriage - and when my husband relapsed, I wanted to rush right out of it. Lots of broken promises later, I realized I needed to focus on what it is I need for me and for our children. I struggle, day by day, with the question of "what's best for my kids?" I keep focused on the fact that my husband has a disease he didn't choose, even if he chooses behavior that makes his disease stronger. That reminds me - a dry drunk is someone who is no longer drinking but who hasn't addressed or changed any of the problematic behaviors. So, someone is now sober, but they still put whatever it is they want ahead of everyone they supposedly love. They still call you names or do whatever it is they did when they were drinking and you'd have an argument. I'm sure there's more to it, but that's what I know.

As for what you can do, debbieanne, that's actually up to you! That's the good news! You're in this group! You're asking for support and ideas! Other things include individual therapy, group therapy, participation in a program for people who love people who love chemicals, educating yourself on what alcoholism is, reading a lot of books, talking to people who've been and who are there, and so on. I found it helpful to go to open AA meetings, although I admit I first went to "see what they were going to do to fix my husband." It did help me to hear so many different people have such a similar process - it helped me understand and come to believe alcoholism is a disease, and no matter his faults, my husband, and probably your husband, never DECIDED, "Hey! You know what sounds fun? A progressive illness that will make me crazy and ruin my life! And the best part is I will poison the lives of anyone who'll let me!" It's just what they did. An explanation I heard when my husband was in treatment was that of a frog in a pot of water - if you try to drop a frog in a pot of hot water, the frog will jump out, but if you put a frog in a pot of room temperature water and slowly heat it, the frog won't realize it's body temperature is getting dangerously high, and the frog will die without ever realizing it's in danger. The alcoholic is the frog. In my experience, the spouses of alcoholics are also frogs, and we're sitting right next to them as everything gets crazier by degrees. When something or someone smacks it all into focus, we're often astounded and wonder, "How is this my life? When did I choose this as my life?" And the reality is that, just like the alcoholic, we didn't choose THIS life. We chose not to have an argument, we chose not to say anything, we chose to pitch a fit, whatever - it is a matter of degrees. Of cumulative decisions. We each have the option to start, at any time, to make different decisions. We don't have to stay, but we don't have to leave, either. If we change, so will our lives. And believe me, anyone strong enough to stay in the crazy is DEFINITELY strong enough to change the things they can. Good luck, and thanks for sharing.

I am also asking myself this question. I have started seeing a therapist and am going to my first Al-Non meeting this weekend. Some days I just want to throw my hands up and say I'm done, but other days I am afraid to lose him. So don't feel alone. (Hugs)

This just sucks. (I don't mean the site or thread.)