What do you love about him? Right now, looking at him, what do you love? Thats what I had to ask myself before I decided to leave with my 2 yo son. I did not wnat to end up like my mom. Who stayed with my dad for 16 years of unhappiness "for the kids" when all it did was hurt us. I was with my Ex-AH for 11 years, married for 5. Through the lies, detox, name calling, me doing EVERYTHING for our house and then our son; I had to ask myself; would I reather me together and feel alone or just be alone. I can say I am 6 months out and I feel so much better. My soon to be ex is sober (for now) but its finally not a constant issue I have to think about every day, all day. What will I come home to? will he come home on time? how drunk will he be? will he finally stop calling me names? Such a weight has been lifted, finally. And it is not easy. But you have to think about your health and happiness. I wish you all the best. Its time to think about YOU!

How do you do that? This is how I did it It took 2 separations and realizing nothing was changing. I also started seeing a counselor and I've been reading a lot of self help books. One particular book opened my eyes. Google The Alcoholic Relationship Survivor Guide. I'm pretty sure it's what it's called. You have to see that you deserve the happiness, the peace and that you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving if that's what you want to do. Will it be hard? Yes. No one likes change and we figure if we've lived with it this far we could probably continue living with it. Pray, pray, pray and once you've made your decision go for it. You'll have doubts and guilt, but when they pop up, think about the reality of it. Do you want to continue to live this way the rest of your life? Good luck to you.

I love reading recovery books, well I would rather read for pleasure but the recovery books are insightful as well. So thanks dmcbeauty for the recommendation. It is downloaded!
I am 50, second marriage, second AH. I also have been separated for 19 months and nothing has changed in fact it has only gotten worse. Dwi, treatment , detox, nothing is his rock bottom. As the months go by he is more hateful and resentful of me. I was hoping for the last chance to make things work. He blames me and tells me I need the help. He insists that "I will understand him more if I find the right Al anon group". Frankly I have found more caring, honesty and insight than I ever got in the al anon meetings right here reading everyone's post! Thank you all for that.
I too don't know how to take that first step, we built a life with a cabin, house, retirement. and mostly dreams of happiness. It is hard to let go of all that. I need to move forward, without him. When he was functioning we lived a very comfortable life. Now we are without insurance and have thousands of dollars in his medical bills. I dread the legal process , the first husband was kind and gave me custody of the children and our family home to raise them. He is a raging alcoholic but loves his children dearly. Number to is a angry drunk who will try to take everything from me if he is in "that mood"
bird3636...we can do it!!! it sucks and we can make the choice for a happier life!

Oh my goodness Pammn, I just heard all this bulllshit from my exAH. He couldn't believe that Al-Anon was not teaching me how to deal with him... hahah. I laughed hysterically as I blurted out "Dh, its NOT about you anymore!" Funny how after three years of separation and divorce he still wants to hold on to me but I am so much wiser and growing stronger every day in order to completely break free of his evil chains. Thanks to many on this site too!!

I made a packed when I picked up my kids and left him three years ago to provide a better life for my children and I have worked so damn hard to do that. I may not be able to put food on the table or new clothes on their backs very often but the love and admiration and the close-nit feeling I have with my children IS my reward. As I watch that my children don't miss him, don't want to talk to him, are disgusted with his decisions in life I realize that I have been doing the right thing all along. Sometimes its just baby steps but it still keeps me walking away from him.

With counseling, a good Al-Anon group, friends and family plus a good plan, you can do whatever it is your heart desires/needs. A quote of my own that I have as a tagline on my emails: "Life is rich because there is opposition in everything; it's in the hardest situations in which we grow the most." - MLHP

Choose to be happy. It's YOUR life!

Yeah, bird. It's your "jinx" that caused his other dui's....really? and Pamm, you just need to find the "right" al-anon group so his drinking will make sense to you?
Maybe if they all found the "right" AA group, the drinking would finally come to an end...but I'm only dreaming.
It all comes down to the question Dear Abby used to say: Are you better off with him or without him? Only you know the answer and can make that decision.
Peace!

I do know that we "vibrate" things into our lives, however we also have the power to vibrate good things too..
Dealing with this now in the light of seeing my AH as he really is, dependant on the drug.. my eyes have been opened to his distructive behivor on my life, and I am now able to take emotion out of the equation and focus on what I want . Not to be mean or demeaning to him as a person, but to have him see himself as he really is, to keep things honest. We are not responsible for their choices. Period.

Ok I got the book someone on here mentioned...."Getting them sober-you can help! By Toby Rice Drews

I don't really read much, so for me to look this book up and check it out and then go to 3 book stores looking for it was a big deal for me! I have read about 20 pages and yeah it could help! I need something! Thanks and pray for me!

I learned about Toby Rice Drews from this board - she's awesome. To me it felt like ANGRY and useful Al Anon I liked it!!!

And now at the risk of sounding like a poster child for al anon: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it... there's more but I guess I'm not a poster child after all - I can't remember the rest!

Good luck I hope you start feeling better as you take in more information and get the focus back in on YOU.

I hope this doesn't sound corny but you could start visualizing what your life would look like without him. Visualize how you would spend your time. Think about something new you would like to learn, a hobby, a sport, a cause.... What if you could be or do anything you wanted? What would it be? Maybe you could create a whole new life.