Widows & Widowers Support Group

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Death & Dying
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Who Are Your In-Laws To You?

deleted_user
deleted_user
I know I have talked about my problems with my in-laws and at this point things have simmered down.

My husband and I had two sons. They are relatives/family with my in-laws and I have no probelm with that - and the boys know (they are 21 and 18) that when they want to see anyone from my husband's family they can go see them or call, etc. They are online with their cousins alot.

But, to me they aren't family/relatives. I don't feel like I have to or need to stay in contact with, etc. Lately they have made peace - how they say it - with my husband's death and they are just going on with their lives. If that is their choice - I am not going to make them try to see how much he meant to me and that my life is toppsy turvy.

I was just curious how it was for others - as far if in-laws have stayed family, or people making problems, or just people. My husband and I were married for 23 1/2 years and that family bonding just didn't happen.

Again - I am so grateful you all are here - I don't know how I would make it - it will be 10 monhts on Monday.
Bon
deleted_user
deleted_user
HI SadBon, I'm sorry to here about your relationship with your in-laws, my husband and I were married 24 1/2 years and I was considered their daughter rather than daughter-in-law. I always said I had 2 moms and 2 dads. When my father-in-law died 10 years ago it hurt just as much as when my own dad died 20yrs ago. His mother paid for the cremation and obit for me. I still call her when I need to talk. MY husband died Oct. 13 only 1 month after being diagnosed with lung cancer, which was after living chronic pain for 18 years from a work injury. We met at the age of 17 and married 3 years later. I love my in-laws and they loved me. I am sorry it is not the same for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My situation is strange because of the reason for my husband's death. I understand how you feel. We got (get) along ok, but I'm not sure I feel the need to be around some members of his family - especially the ones I was not close to. Do what is in your heart.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't see or talk to mine. when I called MIL to tell her that her son died she said "these things happen thanks for calling" she never did speak to me at the funeral or after.
deleted_user
deleted_user
The inlaws are a strange bunch. I have not spoken with mine since 3 days after my husbands passing. A year earlier I remember the words clearly "we'll be there for you" but I can laugh about it now, because not only have they not been there for me they have been quite cruel and hurtful. It was a year since my husband passed las Saturday and they still couldn't help themselves and be nasty. I have been told and also believe it is simply guilt. They feel guilty that they weren't there for him and don't know how to deal with it so blame the closest person to him. It's sad but it's their problem. I am happier without them, I have a beautiful little girl to my husband and she lives in him and in my heart. For some reason relationships with the in laws often don't work, in many situations, not just death.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi, Sorry for your loos, I lost my partner 7 months ago, and his family were great they helped with costs, his bro, was fantastic, but now I hear nothing from anybody, i'm at the moment deciding on whether to bother visiting for christmas, but it will be me and the childen travelling by tain on a massive journey for just a few hours, i try to tell them how things are and they just tell me about there hols that they've taken or about to go on.....
I feel that we have been left alone and i feel like doing the same to them.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Honestly, my mother-in-law and brother-in-law have stayed very close to me since Phillip's death. My MIL is also suffering from cancer and I am trying to help her by taking her to her appointments. My problem has been with Phillips children from previous marriage. They are 33, 27, and 23. Not only do they not come around but they also don't go around the rest of Phillips family. Grandma included.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have been an inner struggle with my MIL and my husband's sister as well. His sister comes over EVERY single day to visit our daughter. It's a bit overwhelming but I understand her desire and need to be close to her, I also appreciate that she is a link to Chris for my daughter. My MIL and I have hardly spoken. We have never not gotten along, we just don't speak. She sees our daughter at least once a week but takes her for a few hours then brings her back with barely a word to me. She is also a widow so I kinda thought she would understand my pain and struggle and be more willing to talk to me about it but she is so closed off to me that I wonder if she somehow holds me responsible. Its at the very least strange and awkward.
deleted_user
deleted_user
HI BON, YOU KNOW JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING REGARDING CHUCKS FAMILY.MAINLY HIS SISTER AND BROTHER, THEY ARE TRYING TO RUN MY LIFE...NO ONE SINCE HIS CELEBRATION OF LIFE HAS CALLED TO SEE HOW WE ARE, NO OFFERS OF ANYTHING. I WISH THEY WALKED A DAY IN MY SHOES. 23 YEARS AND IT'S OVER LIKE THAT. HE WAS THE GLUE THAT HELD THINGS TOGETHER, HIS FAMILY LOST THEIR BANK AND NOW THEY TAKE IT OUT ON ME. HIS SISTER EMAILS MICHELLE AND TRYS TO BACKSTAB ME, GOOD LUCK....NOW MY HEALTH...TOO MUCH, AND AGAIN NOT ONE OFFER OF HELP OR SUPPORT. WITHOUT YOU AND THE REST OF MY DS FRIENDS, I WOULD BE MORE OF A BASKET CASE THAN I AM.
LOVE YA HON
DARLYN
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you all for your responses. I am so sorry for your loss.

It is interesting about this journey. We all have found different responses from our families, our spounses families, our friends, and others around us.

I am glad that those of you have found support whether from your spounse's family, friends, or those of us here at DS.

I think as each of us have different responses to our grief, so we all have different circumstances with all of those around us.

But, one thing we all have is our support, encouragment, and help here - we all know about this journey we are on.

Thank you everyone!
Bon
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