I just needed to share, maybe vent a little, since 1/22/10 when my husband passed, I have, like everyone else, been on the emotional roller coaster that will never stop for me. Some tell me I've gotten better. But, I wonder, better than what. I wouldn't want anyone to think, especially those who are new to this, that my path is what yours will be, because as most know, everyone's path is on their own timetable. I'm just speaking for myself, that I still feel, think, and believe the same things that I have written or talked about from day one, which is by far my worst day imaginable. I was able to visit the cemetery today. I'd like to go every Friday because that's the day he passed. But, I must take 2 buses and walk a half a mile to get there. After my visit, then I walk 3/4 of a mile to get the bus back to 'our' apartment. I'm not exaggerating that I think it was 100 degrees, but I'm so glad I was able to go especially today, the 22nd of July. Sometimes it doesn't work out, like. when I wake up, my vertigo will start, or anxiety will kick in, or I'll be exhausted from little sleep or I'll wake up too late or there is something I have to do that won't keep, or it's raining or snowing (in winter). I couldn't help thinking while I was there and silently praying and weeping that this is the kind of day we would be at the beach with his sister, putting lotion on each other's backs, instead of me sitting on a towel on the grass where he's buried. I honestly just want to be in my rightful place lieing beside him. I know others may say all the things that they believe are the right ways to think and do, however this is what I would want because I don't want to live without him, I am just not a happy camper, so until God lets me know what His will is, I await His Word and lets me know what He wants me to do. But if some people want to buy a car or a house or take a trip and they take it, it's no different than what I wish. The only thing is that I understand it's up to God. I'm just saying this is how I feel. Some of us want to heal, but I don't, some just want to stop feeling like this. If I could live the rest of my life feeling miserable and grieving like this, but he was alive and here with me, I would do it in a heartbeat. In a year and a half I don't miss him any less. I'm alive and breathing but I hate life without him and that's the truth. Not self-pity, just grieving.
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