I was glad I could be with my wife all the way to her end. She had pancreatic cancer, 4 months diagnosis to death. Bamm. Had our 30th wedding anniversary just shy of 2 weeks before her death. She was so happy when I suggested we stay home from church that Sunday, just to be together for our anniversary. Her words, Thank God. She had been coming to church every Sunday up until then and did heavy prayer and deliverance on the prayer line until the very Sunday before. She could still walk then, with me holding on. Amazingly, she took zero pain meds until an organ burst and the ambulance took her down the street to the hospital. I can say I was her sole caregiver, but really she was her own, in Jesus. And I remain so very glad I was beside her the whole time unless I was working. Shit, I worked the weekend before she died. That I regret, but part of me had to get away from the onslaught of death for a time. It is hard to watch a vibrant strong woman waste away into skin, bone and cartilage almost before your very eyes. She was 66 when she died, nearing her 67th birthday, and before the cancer struck, she looked maybe late fifties, not yet 60. When she died 4 months later, she looked to be a 95 year old woman. I'll say it again, I was glad to have been with her to her end. How awful to die all alone, no one there to love you. Some of my foolish behavior was motivated by myself not wanting to die alone. Until one week ago, I had no one. No special friend. No real friend. And a bit over 2 weeks ago, I'm in 2 ER rooms, doctors and techs convinced I getting ready for a major heart attack. Shipped off to a cardiac hospital in the big city. Shocked them. I have a perfect heart. Not a thing wrong with my ticker. And yet my heart remains broken, go figure. So I got to spend 28 hours in 2 ERs and a very expensive ambulance ride. I'm telling you, when the professionals are taking this seriously, you pick up real quick. So there I am, all alone. No family. No body. Work knew. You all knew. And you know, it wasn't too bad. So if that is how I go, so be it. No longer will the consideration of dying alone or with a loved one at my side determine what I do or who I do it with. Yes sirree. I done faced that fear. So if I become spiritually joined with another, it is okay if she goes first. Hell, I'd be glad to be there for her to her end as well. Another death, yes, it would rip my heart out if I truly love her. Now I know grief and what it can do to me. Price to pay for having great love. So many in this world have never experienced that level of love. Usually ends in divorce, and for many of us, our past includes at least one failed marriage. But it is that one we lost, that was true love, joined in our spirits. It is a deep, deep pain. Unbearable at times, overwhelming all the time. My God, I would not have wanted my Juanita to have gone through the grief of losing me. I know she would never have wished her cancer on me, and I would never wish my grief on her. She is in not only a better place, but by my faith a place of no more tears, no more pain, a place whose light is the Love of God. Oh, I've spent a lot of time beginning Thanksgiving with the local ER nurse who checked me in for the chest pains. My God we talk. And she is a good person, got a good brother that lives across the street from her. I consider them both my friends. And we are absorbing and unwrapping each other (her and I, not the brother :), tried to watch a movie tonight, but still we're talking up a storm. She a good one. I'm safe with her. Don't have to worry about my back. I can trust her. Her brother lost his 33 year old son 6 months ago. They lived together and were best buds. Died camping. Died drunk. Apparently mass quantities of alcohol and sleep apneah can kill you. Hell, these 2 understand death. And listen. As do I. So, no longer am I worried about dying alone. Whatever on that. Living life alone? No way. I can love a friend. She's established the friend only parameter for now. She understands the importance of that foundation, as do I. And I think I got most of that wild crap out of my system -- kinda popped the cork on it, got it out of my system. No doubt, I had many fun times, great memories, great times, but not a one that lasted. Nah, friendship first. That is second most important, only behind love. So, I'll see where this one goes, enjoy the memories we create. So I've made myself exclusive to her one week in. I haven't told her. No need to do that. She can tell. As I can tell with her. Neither of us has any reason to look any farther. Not now, anyway. And we both realize, now is all we have. Live life in the moments presented when and as you are able. Realize that life is gift to each of us. Still many lessons to be learned. Still many people to be helped. Still have my house destroyed with a stalled DIY remodel. Shit, that didn't even scare her away. Shocked the biker-chic, but not this one. Oh, nothing can happen until I am divorced from the psycho wife. None of the others cared about that. This one does. That tells me volumes. Yup, she's a keeper if we go that direction. A true friend for life? Very strong possibility of that kind of friendship being built. And that, if you really think about it, is probably the one thing we all miss more than anything. Our one true friend. Now that is a relationship worth pursuing, because a friendship can last a lifetime, as it should. ~~~ Scottie
15 weeks tomorrow. Glenda, I need a little help to make it through.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBjqcImuj0s
Went out for dinner with our best friends on Friday night, first time since Charlie passed away. I was missing them but I just couldn’t bring myself to go out with them without Charlie. It was bittersweet; we cried and we laughed. I could feel Charlie’s presence but I still felt so alone, so incomplete. He completed me and I really feel that more than ever now. I appreciate our best...