While it might have felt that my world ended the day you died, the world in general has kept right on going and it is now Springtime.
This is the first Spring that you are not here.
It's beautiful out there, with all of the flowers and the birds. It reminds me of the Spring that we met, 31 years ago.
And like the birds and flowers out there, I am feeling new growth. It has been seven months now since you have been gone and I am starting to feel a sense of.................peace? Resolution? I am not sure what you would call it, but I am coming to terms with the fact that you died and I did not and that is that. And I feel that is what you would want me to feel.
I keep finding feathers. I live in an area populated with snowy egrets and sandhill cranes, so finding feathers isn't mysterious, but I always seem to find them at just the right moment. Are they a sign? Well, that is the thing about "signs".................they can't really be proven or disproven.
If you are watching, you know I got a new job. It's a step up from what I was doing before and I know that you would have been proud of me. When I was driving home from the interview, feeling pretty good, I suddenly felt a sorrow knowing this was something that you would have been proud of but that you were not here to see it. And then, just then, I noticed a feather on the hood of my car. It was somehow stuck to my car and stayed with me the entire 10 mile drive home. I am almost positive it wasn't there during my drive to the interview.
The other night, I was in the kitchen and it really felt like something was telling me to turn on the radio, right now. I did, and the DJ's were talking, but a moment later, the song Black by Dierks Bentley came on. It's a song I have half-listened to before while driving, but this was the first time I really listened to it. Wow! Very passionate song. So now I kind of feel like that is "our" song, albeit post humously. Of course, we already have "our song" (two of them, really, one from the beginning of our love and the other for the time that you were leaving the Earth) but now I guess we have another one! Why not, right? It's not like the Song Police are going to arrest us for having too many songs.
Feathers, songs..................are these things really signs from you or just the product of a heartbroken soul desperate for some kind of connection? There is no way to know but I really believe you are still out there somewhere. And that belief, along with the memories of all of years together, is what gives me the courage to walk the lonely walk of widowhood every day.
OK, my love, I am going to finish up and get ready for my morning walk. I am up to five miles a day now. You and I were both sick together at the same time but for whatever reason, I survived. I feel one of the best ways that I can honor your life is for me to live mine as best as I can, and that includes staying healthy. So I am going to throw my hair into a ponytail and get ready to walk, even though it is Saturday morning and at the moment I would rather play couch potato than walk.
Rest well, my angel, and I will get through the rest of my allotted time on Earth and then we will be together for eternity................at least I hope that's the way it turns out.
Love forever and ever and ever,