There's no game plan for this, there's just the learning curve. When Joe got his cancer diagnosis, the docs, the online advice - it was all so clinical - nothing prepares you for the harsh reality of the downturn, the weakness, the personality change -- and the inevitable. And as such, reading the grief books didn't prepare me for the reality of grief. In the beginning, I didn't know how I would get through it. A minute at a time, that's all I did, literally. Like Sharon said in a message, if G-d had taken me, it would have been ok. Suicidal thoughts? Oh, yeah - didn't act on it, didn't really feel it, but toyed with it, just for the hell of it. Have I fought myself through this? All I know, is that I put one foot in front of the other, even though I couldn't see the point of doing so - what I see now is the memories of Joe as himself, as a human being, as my husband. What I feel, now that the acceptance of my loss has come full circle, is a sadness within me, but also a joy and acceptance of him as the human being he was - not only my beloved husband, but JOE - himself. Now, after a year, I find his friends more easily able to laugh about memories of him - and that feels so good to know that he's not forgotten. And I've not forgotten myself, either. The person I was, the person I am, I'm still here - just changed. I guess I shoud have put this on my journal, but I hope it helps those who are further behind than me. We all help each other - Hugs, Marsha
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