I can't believe a year has passed. It has been so hard. I am still in a fog and have trouble working. I am self employed and motivation has been low. I remember his smile and hearty laugh, the first things I noticed about him. Every night we would hold each other until we both fell asleep. His kisses were like being in heaven. He had so much sadness before he died. He was unemployed and feeling a lot of chest pain and fatigue and was very hard on himself. I wish I had had more time to love him, for things to get better for him. I miss the things that used to bug me, like him playing solitaire on the computer for hours. I miss having someone to make decisions with. Someone to come home to. I miss cooking for him. He ate like a horse. I can hardly bring myself to cook at all. I still haven't been able to afford a headstone and I feel so guilty. I'm taking the day off today and mourning. I have to be with people on the actual anniversary day.But a widow friend of mine is going to take me to dinner tomorrow night. I will really have to push myself. I can't push myself today. I have no motivation to do anything but I am so grateful for this site and the support of everyone here. I want to do something for him. I just don't know what to do.
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