My beloved Steve and I were together since 1985. We not only loved each other, but we genuinely liked each other. We had very few fights. So imagine my dismay in early 2015 when he started acting very mean toward me. I could not understand it, period, but I especially could not understand the timing of it................my father passed away in March of 2015 after a short bout with brain cancer. My father was dying..............why wouldn't the person who had always been there for me be especially supportive now?? I could not understand it. Our level of arguing increased a hundred fold and it often started with me saying "I don't know what your problem is lately..................."
Well, yeah, now I know what his problem was. He was scared and in pain and didn't know what was happening. (He was diagnosed with cancer in April 2015).
Once he was diagnosed, we became a team. The meanness stopped, thank God. We went forward from April 2015 until he died in August 2016. A year earlier, in August 2015, I was also diagnosed with cancer. From October 2015 to January 2016 our son came from out of state to help us because we really were too sick to be alone at that time.
And so, with all the tough stuff that has happened, I still feel there were some blessings...................not everyone has a kid who was not only willing, but able, also, to put his life on hold for three months and come and help us. Our other son is in the service............while he may have been willing, he certainly would not have been able to do that at this particular time.
A beautiful granddaughter was born in the middle of all of this.
We managed to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table (which sometimes neither of us wanted to eat.)
Yes, there were blessings, despite the fear, pain, nausea and and sorrow of that last year.
And although it was terrible, there was something about both of us being sick together while facing his death together. We became more real with each other in that last year than we had for the 30 years that preceded it.
By April of 2016, I was really starting to get better. By June, he was really going downhill. When I was diagnosed, we already knew that his condition was terminal but he said he was going to stick around long enough to make sure I was going to make it. And I think that is exactly what he did.
It is very strange to reach that point with cancer treatment................when you have stopped throwing up every day and you are starting to feel like a human being again...........................when your partner is dying. I did rejoice to be feeling better................how could I not?? I never felt guilty about it, either, but it was strange.
Steve rejoiced with me. He wanted me to make it.
When we meet that person that we know is "the one" most of us think something along the lines of "this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with." I don't think anyone thinks "this is who I want to spend the rest of their life with me and then I will continue without them." but that is what happens to half of all married persons.
Just more ramblings......................................All of you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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