It has been a little over a month - a month and a week to be exact since I lost my husband to clear cell renal carcinoma- it is a very aggresive cancer- My problem is this I never imagined life without him- it was a fourth marraige for both of us and the best five years of my life - We did everything together - I even went to deer camp with him and sat in a darn tree freezing my butt off waiting on a deer in the early dawn - we were avid fishermen and so we bought a house on the lake which is where he wanted to dye and where I am living now - I cant seem to get out of my funk there are things to do - grocery shop organization of the shed -cleaning of the house - i have done a little but not much - we did everything together and now it all seems pointless - if I did not have my son I think I would have lied down beside him and died too - We packed a lot of living into that five years busy every weekend but he planned everything there was a list for everything and now I am lost - lost without my partner the man I wanted to retire with the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - Damnn It Barry when I told you I would stay with you forever I meant till the end of my life!! I miss you like crazy - I am crying right now writing this and I just dont know which way to turn -I love you sooo much nobody understands my loss people at work talk about another relationship and I cant even imagine that Damn It I want you back - I cant believe cancer took you away from me - I cant believe there was NOTHING that could be done - It never really struck me that you were really dying until the day you could not get out of the bed I couldn't wake you - that was the beginning of the end the beginning of a sick vigil where I would check you every 20mins my life had a little purpose then -now it has none- You took my son in and taught him to do cool stuff he is the only 7 year with a 22 rifle who can actually shoot bullet thru bullet - can ride a four wheeler and has since he was three - how do I fill those shoes?
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