
Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

deleted_user
Don't know why I'm writing. Just unloading some pent up emotions, I guess. My husband and I were married in '93. He started having back problems (lumbar degenerative disc disease) around '97. Had two back surgeries which did nothing to help. Became totally bedridden on Jan. 1, 2001. Was waiting for his third back surgery (with a different doctor from the one who did his first 2). His back surgery wasn't scheduled until the beginning of March. In spite of the fact that he was bedridden in extreme pain, they didn't move up the date of his surgery. They just kept putting him on more and different pain meds. Because he developed a respiratory condition six months after we were married, the docs were supposed to be more careful of what pain meds they put him on, and the dosages. To make a long story short, my husband died on Feb. 21, 2001, after having been completely bedridden for almost two months. My two youngest (5 and 6) were home alone with him at the time. Our car had died a week earlier and I had gone to borrow my sister-in-laws for one of the kids' doctor appointments later that day. I was gone for about 45 minutes. My kids apparently went in to say goodbye to him before heading off to
school, but found him dead in bed. I came home to find the kids at the bus stop and my neighbor flagging me down to tell me, "Your kids came to the bus stop crying this morning and saying, 'I think my daddy's dead.'" About a week or so later, when I got the autopsy results, I couldn't believe it. I asked people, "How in the world can a 35 year old man who was mostly healthy other than his back pain, just die from pneumonia??" Around April of that same year, I consulted with a lawyer. The gist of it all was the inadequate care and attention he got in regard to the pain meds and the respiratory condition he had (which had been under control for several years). The laywer said we had a case. Remember, that started in April 2001. The years pass and the lawyer notifies me that she has an expert witness and we're scheduled to go to trial in Jan. 2007. Finally...after just about six years, we will get a chance to send a message to the medical community through all this. October 2006 (three months before trial) rolls around and then my lawyer tells me that the expert witness backed out, so we have no case anymore. Boom. Just like that. Oh, sure, I had the option of trying to find another lawyer, bringing that lawyer up to speed and him/her getting things ready for a trial...all within three months time, if I wanted to. That wasn't even a realistic possibility! So, almost seven years later, I sit here wondering what is wrong with our legal system that a person who spills hot coffee on themselves at a fast food place can sue for a million and it's ok. Or a burglar who falls through a roof while pulling a job can sue the homeowner he's robbing and win. Yet the death of a young man who literally entrusted his life to his doctors means nothing. I know it sounds like I'm angry, but I'm not. I just believe in fairness and justice. I'm just really disappointed and hurt, I guess, to think that my husband's life could mean so little. If you're read this far, then.......thanks for listening to my ramblings. Sometimes it helps to just get if off my chest. : ) ~Laura~
school, but found him dead in bed. I came home to find the kids at the bus stop and my neighbor flagging me down to tell me, "Your kids came to the bus stop crying this morning and saying, 'I think my daddy's dead.'" About a week or so later, when I got the autopsy results, I couldn't believe it. I asked people, "How in the world can a 35 year old man who was mostly healthy other than his back pain, just die from pneumonia??" Around April of that same year, I consulted with a lawyer. The gist of it all was the inadequate care and attention he got in regard to the pain meds and the respiratory condition he had (which had been under control for several years). The laywer said we had a case. Remember, that started in April 2001. The years pass and the lawyer notifies me that she has an expert witness and we're scheduled to go to trial in Jan. 2007. Finally...after just about six years, we will get a chance to send a message to the medical community through all this. October 2006 (three months before trial) rolls around and then my lawyer tells me that the expert witness backed out, so we have no case anymore. Boom. Just like that. Oh, sure, I had the option of trying to find another lawyer, bringing that lawyer up to speed and him/her getting things ready for a trial...all within three months time, if I wanted to. That wasn't even a realistic possibility! So, almost seven years later, I sit here wondering what is wrong with our legal system that a person who spills hot coffee on themselves at a fast food place can sue for a million and it's ok. Or a burglar who falls through a roof while pulling a job can sue the homeowner he's robbing and win. Yet the death of a young man who literally entrusted his life to his doctors means nothing. I know it sounds like I'm angry, but I'm not. I just believe in fairness and justice. I'm just really disappointed and hurt, I guess, to think that my husband's life could mean so little. If you're read this far, then.......thanks for listening to my ramblings. Sometimes it helps to just get if off my chest. : ) ~Laura~

deleted_user
Hi Laura - I just wanted you to know that I read your post and can relate to some of the pain you feel. I feel anger for some of the definite mistakes that were made in my wife's diagnosis. I know another man who is left with serious questions about how things were handled in his wife's care prior to her death. I don't know what to say beyond that since there are no words that can alleviate the pain. It is good that we write things down to help sort through them and come to terms with such difficulties. I need to do more writing myself, I can see as I think about what you wrote.

eileenR
Oh girlfriend I just wanted to know I agree with you a 100% the medical field is not held accountable. And It just makes me trust them less. I still have problems walking into the drs. I don't trust or believe them. Oh well, it is just a science experimenting on us as human beings. If any of the readers of the post are in the medical field I do not mean to offend you. But what is a life? It is important. I see your frustration. And I know it. Just wanted you to know the vent was a good one for many of us.

deleted_user
Hi Laura. I too lost my husband after what should have been a routine triple bypass operation. I knew something had went horribly wrong, 3 days afterwards. He too got pneumonia, infection after infection. Bedsores that were horribly bleeding. They literally kicked him out of the hospital into rehab where they constantly drugged him up, left him dirty, and let me not tell you about the doctor who tried to starve him to death and did not give a damn about putting his feeding tube back in that came out. He let him go for almost 10 days, by law it's 5. I was at my wits end. He ended up back in the hospital and by that time he was septic. Then after a few days, back to that awful rehab place and that doctor who told me "to pull the plug". I am still considering suing him and the rehab hospital for their treatment of him. The Friday before he died, I went to see him and he was obviously in respiratory distress and should have been put back in the hospital immediately. Even the nurses said so. It wasn't until the next afternoon that the idiot doctor called an ambulance to take him. He died 1 week later. I kept a diary of all the calls, names, etc. and just what I saw when I visited him. I don't know if I could go back and relive these horrible moments all over again. I am still having nightmares at the way they treated him. 55 yr old, ended up in diapers, muscle atrophy, bedsores, life support. How does that happen. Thanks for listening to what I've gone through. Yes, I know how you feel, like they just pushed him aside. I am still so angry.

deleted_user
Thanks for the replies and support, guys. It helps to know people understand. One thing I've definitely learned through all this is to NOT accept everything doctors tell me and let it go at that. I've learned to question, voice my concerns/feelings, and get second opinions if need be. Margie, thanks for sharing your situation. It was so heartbreaking (and angering!) to read and your pain is so recent. I hope you run like heck to a lawyer and take the matter to court. There are time limitations on lawsuits. Send a message to the medical community. Go for it and win...for your husband, yourself, and all of us. Hugs to everyone tonight. ~Laura~

deleted_user
I believe alot of my husband's problems resulted from poor medical care and it can be proven in time. I would like to keep up with you.
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