I recently realized what my problem is. Even though I have had ups and downs, taken a step forward and two steps back. I know I'm doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing. When I go out with family/friends I come back feeling good but I can't depend on anyone to fill Danny's place in my heart 24/7 for the rest of my life. Since my husband passed away last January there are times when I feel I haven't moved, and I can't move and I don't want to move on, not without Danny. I had great hope for a while when I felt better. Not only do I absolutely refuse to say good bye to my husband at the same time I simply cannot do it. Just the thought of saying goodbye to him is causing me physical and emotional turmoil. I just can't say goodbye to Danny. I have been saying all along I don't want him to be a memory, I want him here, with me, now. I am physically unable to move forward. On January 22, 2010 when he passed away, my life stopped, and my spirit died with him. Everyone is different, and I know everyone has their own way of doing things and can get on with their life, find joy, whatever, which is good. But for me it's just way too difficult to let him go. We were together for 39 years, the last three years were a constant ongoing race for him to get better, and now I find myself where I didn't plan on being, suddenly without him, and it's just too hard. All the running around to stay alive and now, it seems like all the praying, the hospital stays, getting his medicine, giving him medicine, getting groceries so that he'd gain weight, and it feels like everything he went through, his pain, his struggle, and for what, what a waste of time, going through all this pain. I think sometimes, what the hell was that all about. Now, I'm left alone with my wedding rings, what are they to me now, with him not here, and it all seems so pointless. I say every day to myself, 'I still can't believe he's gone.' I don't understand how my thoughts will change. I know we shouldn't say "never" and "always" but I honestly believe I will always think these thoughts until God takes me Home. And even if the worst thing happened and I lived and loved life and kept his memory with me, I don't want to have that kind of life, to be happy without Danny with me. I have been crying a lot lately and didn't want to depress anyone but I just needed to vent. Sorry to be "debbie downer."
God bless and hugs to you all,
God bless and hugs to you all,
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