Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Geeessss This Only Took Three Years.

deleted_user
deleted_user
I know I am not responsible for what happened to my husband in his childhood and the life he had to live. This colored his whole thinking. I did not totally understand having never lived the way he did. My lack of understanding made him resent me.

I am not responsible for the bad choices he made concerning his health care. Alex was receiving treatment from a Naturopath who was a friend. When I did find out he was receiving substandard care I did become enraged and took steps to correct the problem. While the person treating him did not do him harm, he was not helped. After he died I went after this person and she was charged with delay of medical treatment. She no longer practices, which makes me happy as she cannot do this to someone else.

As I stated before in another post I was not responsible for making him happy. Only he could make himself happy. He had so many ridged rules and expected me to follow them, lets say that did not work out to well.

I really think if my husband ever loved anyone he did love me. He did not like to be touched when we were first married, this made life interesting. This did change but on his terms which again were very interesting.

I no longer feel responsible for everything that happened to him. He was a grown man and was responsible for his choices. We agreed early in our marriage we would make our own choices. We would discuss and get each others opinion but the final choice rested with the person making the choice.

This all hit me like a ton of bricks. LOL Talk about fog lifting.

I am very happy and relaxed. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I went to the library and ran some errands yesterday and I was not invisible. People talked to me and I had a good time.

Major Hugs and a very Big Thank You to each and every one of you for your input to this site.
Truhal
Truhal
Well said and so true. My husband made bad health choices, too. I spent years trying to talk to him about taking better care of himself. He refused to listen in spite of expert opinion and my own nurses training. In fact, the day before he collasped I'd shown him a health program about a man who decided to take better care of himself so he could spend more years with his grandkids. My husband walked out on that one. Now, I'm alone and his grandkids will never know the great man he was. DH wasn't perfect, but he was nearly that in my eyes.

I feel no guilt about the abuse he put his body through(lack of sleep, too much food, way too much salt). It was his choice.
julie50501
julie50501
Sounds like you have had a breakthrough! I am very happy for you. It sounds like you did a wonderful job in very challenging circumstances. Best of luck to you in continuing to heal.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am happy you have this insight. I hope it brings you continued peace. -Shelli
rubble
rubble
I understand that situation in a way. It sounds like your husband was a very creative intelligent person and this personality type can be quirky to say the least. My husband had rules and quirks to rival the most eccentric thinkers. He was nothing if not entertaining.
His poor health was directly related to poor choices. I thought I would have a lot of anger toward him when he passed because of this but I surprisingly don't. I can gently and lovingly excuse his mistakes without denying them and completely adore his genius knowing there will never be another like him.
It sounds to me like you were the perfect wife for your husband. You allowed him to be who he was. Love to you!
bostonjules
bostonjules
Sounds like an emotional growth spurt...better late than never, right.

Congrats on having a good day and not being invisible. i'm working toward that...

Your Ninja/invisible friend

jules
Lininsocal
Lininsocal
My husband lived life on the edge, he drank some and rode motorcycles and worked a job that had many risks. There were a lot of choices he made in his younger days that affected his health. We met later in life and he would always make the statement that if he knew he would have lived this long and had met me, he would have taken better care of himself. I am sorry that his choices led him to an early death and I do not have him now but they were hic choices and he did live one heck of a fun life, 15 years of it I was blessed to share.
Good for you to release yourself from this burden. Go live YOUR life and be happy.
Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you so much for sharing....

My husband was very ill for 5 years and throughout all of it he did not do his best or even close to his best to do what he needed to do to keep himself as healthy as possible. I begged him and pleaded with him so many times to do this and do that. In the end he always did what he wanted to do or not do, and when he passed I blamed myself. I still can't help but think that I could have done more. I know it's not my fault, but at the same time it's so hard for me not to blame myself. I hope that one day I can be like you and move past this.
limasc
limasc
How wonderful to be able to realize he made his own decisions and you were not responsible for him. I am fighting my own demons in similar things. I have realized I could not change him, I did not make him the way he was, and nothing that I did or did not do caused his death or could have prevented it. I have to repeat this often to let it sink in. Thanks for sharing and giving all of us fighting the guilt some hope that we may also let it go. Lisa
lovelos
lovelos
Holly

I am so glad you had this inspiration, you need to worry about yourself and sounds like you are definately there. I appreciate your support since I joined this site and am very happy for you,

Hugs Lu Ann
swindy
swindy
My husband made wonderful decisions about his health. He never smoked, kept his weight down, took cholestral meds,excercised, and died anyway of ALS. Some people believe that when God decides to take you , he takes you no matter how you lived your life. After going through this I tend to believe that that is true. Diane
laurabp
laurabp
Good insights, and I am glad you now feel better with your new understanding. I understand the bad health choices - my husband would not quit smoking in spite of warnings and even a "mini-stroke". He ended up having a major stroke that changed both of our lives, and eventually a final big stroke 5 years later that ended his life. I never suggested to him that maybe this was his fault for continuing to smoke although I often thought that to myself. I just decided that I loved him, and I accepted that I could not force any choices on him. laurabp
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
I am glad you had this breakthrough - we tend to blame ourselves for things which we were not responsible for and had no control over. The guilt creeps in without our realizing it sometimes, and it is so detrimental to our well-being.

I did everything I could to keep Cliff healthy, but his own choices were responsible for what killed him. My older son even said that if I hadn't taken such good care of his father that Cliff would have been gone a lot sooner, that I likely extended his life by years. Some things we really can't control.

Glad you're feeling a little better.

Love and Hugs, Martha
NewRoadsForMe
NewRoadsForMe
We are all responsible for our own choices. I have made my share of poor ones in my life, but am still healthy, thank God. Joe was a heavy smoker. A cigarette was his best friend, even as his lung tumor grew and grew, unknown to us. When diagnosed with lung cancer, the tumor was 8 centimeters and spreading into the ribs. We know the past was unchangeable. We knew our time was limited now, so we did everything possible to spend time together and go out of our way to do things we loved. When he became bedridden, our joy was talking about all the fun we had had in our lives and talking over the stupid things we did that were funny. We complimented ourselves onwhat we had accomplished despite obstacles. There was no time or reason to think of blame. We are all guilty of some wrong choices. After those choices have been made, there is no going back. Treasure the moments that are left, so you have good memories even of the closing days of your lives together.
Kathleen
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you all for all your wonderful support.

You humble me with your caring.

Hugs, Holly
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