I am much older than you - and even tho' I have children & grandkids, I have to come into the empty house. My son & family live about 10 miles away, but they are very busy and I don't see them every day. My daughter lives 200 miles away & I don't see them often. She does call me every day, and I look forward to that. I have been widowed for 2 1/2 yrs. and it is easier in some ways, but so different from my "former life." We were married 50 yrs. - and that is a very long time! Looking at Frank's empty chair bothered me after his passing, and I got rid of it and some other pieces and redecorated our den. Somehow, that helped a little. Some people can't bear to part with things like that, but it seemed the right thing for me. I know you are lonely, and it is hard to get used to the new life without your loved one. I think we will always have a "hole" in our heart, but it gets a little less painful in time.
Wishing you peace - Doye

I think you are still picking up the pieces, wanting a continuity of what was while still trying to find out what is or going to be. Not ready to establish a new identiity, afraid you will lose what you had.
I think to me this is the toughest part: the not knowing what you should do or feeling the courage or know how on how to go forward
I feel like I keep stumbling around with ideas of what I should do, or even where I should be - the question of what is going to happen to me, because I was sure of where I was going when I was married. I have always hated uncertainy.
Emotionally loneliness is there whenever you are in a crowd or at home alone. You can be lonely when home alone but its different type loneliness when you are no longer part of long-term relationship as a couple. I went & got a hamburger to go around people last evening to cut into the loneliness but still once there felt so lonely looking at sev. couples there.

People tend to think after a period of time you are doing good & we do it well. But are we really - I just come home sometimes & cry cuz I can't anywhere else. They are tired of hearing me telling how I feel so I just say fine, I am doing fine. We are supposed to let those who love us know where we are & what we are feeling, & not pretend things are easy when they are not but frankly I do not find too many people in my circle of family or friends that want to hear it anymore.

And I believe tomorrow has to be a better day, some are, some are not. Does not seem to be anything I can do about it ...

I envy people who have caring children also. Two of my children haven't been to see my since their fathers' death in 2009. Two have been very helpful when needed but live 90 minutes away and are so busy with their own responsibilities. I always wanted a caring family like the "Waltons" but that was really only a show. haha

There is so much we don't understand until we are older and wiser. How we all wish we had asked our parents information when they were still alive. And how now I wish that I was able to comfort my Dad MORE after my Mom died. The wisdom of age.
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Family gatherings are hard, especially when you are used to attending with your loved one. We were blessed to have twins,my son is graduating college in May and will be relocating. My daughter is a comfort, but I know she will want her own apartment in time. My family is small also and we seem to only gather for funerals, we haven't had a wedding in awhile. I understand about the empty house, because with the kids activities, I have had to enter an empty house. I have found my electric bill has increased, because I can not stand a dark house. I am glad you are trying to keep busy, I share that quest with you. I hope tomorrow is a better day for us both.
patann16

I too come home from these events and "crash & burn" so to speak. No matter how many people i am around or not around, no matter what the occasion, every single event of all shapes and sizes makes me miss him so deep. I have even considered stop going until it gets better, but then how would i know when it gets better? Plus my children say that the grandkids need a grandma, they already lost their grandpa. All i know is it sucks and i hate it. I thank God every day for my sons and grandchildren, but never mistake that with any less pain of the loss. One does not replace the other , and sometimes it makes it hurt worse. It breaks my heart that they will not remember their grandpa. I try and tell myself he sees them, and plan to tell them all about him as they grow. But then the thought of that also breaks me down. Fact is ,their is no Good points in our world, just life and we get to deal with it. Most i can do is pray for less pain.

I truly appreciate all of the comments. Thank you so much....Blessings to you all...Deb