I dont understand today. It is so bad. I lost my husband just over a year ago and I have been doing so well lately. I know everyone says that our grief comes back with a vengeance sometimes but I wasnt expecting this. I know you never get over the loss we just learn to live with it, which I have succeeded in doing the last few weeks. Today is like an explosion of emotion. For some unknown reason I feel like I have gone backwards many months and all the intensity of the pain and grief I felt in those early months has returned. I once again feel confused, lost, fearful, longing for him and so very sad and uncontrollable tears. I had an out of control outburst (not making any real sense) and when my daughter tried to hug me I just couldnt for some reason and I pushed her away telling her I just needed a few minutes to get my thoughts together. Now she is hurt and angry at me because she wanted to console me, and I wouldnt/couldnt let her. Why was that? Being hugged was the last thing I wanted, I could have one now but she is not speaking to me. Oh god! Sometimes this just gets worse and worse. She is only 21 and doesnt understand so much of this. She is packing up to leave for University and we are both feeling a bit apprehensive. I thought I was really getting past the worst of this journey and now feel as if I just cant be sure of anything anymore. What happened? Why did all this terrible pain come and hit me out of the blue. What could have been the trigger. I expected it before when it was just part of my daily struggle, but not now and not when I finally felt as if I had control over things to a reasonable extent anyway. I know I will have to try and talk to her when she is approachable, but she sees things in black and white and doubt she will understand. She felt as thought I rejected her and the one way she could help me for a change was to give me a hug and make me feel better. I am feeling very guilty at the moment and so very alone. Has anyone else hurt their family in one of their outbursts of grief? What can I say to help her understand. Even I dont know why I didnt want a hug, but I shouldnt have pushed her.
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