Im coming up on the 9-month mark as a widow. I keep thinking thats enough time to have a baby - to produce a new life - yet here I am feeling stuck. Ive been hoping for hope, but havent found any yet. Im overwhelmed by my responsibilities flying solo trying to make a new life not just for myself but for my two boys, too. Both of my sons are on the autistic spectrum (one more so than the other), and not having any support has been very hard. I have been thinking too - what for? Everything ends with us. Because of my boys disabilities, there are no grandkids on the horizon. My older son who I have always held out some hope for told me the other night that inasmuch as the current theory (on autism) is that their disabilities may be genetic, he would never have kids even if the opportunity arose - he couldnt take the chance of passing it on. I told him I went through genetic testing 8 years ago and they found nothing - and theres no history on either side of the family. Ive told him theories are all well and good but theyre just theories, but he remains scared and unconvinced. I think because he knows full well how hard it has been not just for him and his brother, but for me as well, no matter how strong and determined I try to be. Everything Ive worked for my whole life will simply disappear. Legacy? There will be no legacy - no carrying on of the family name, all the good works done by my husband, the good works done by the two of us together, the lessons weve taught our guys, will be as wishes written on the wind. I feel as though Im racing against time - knowing eventually I will be out of the picture, too, and my boys will be on their own and Im scared as to what that will be like for them. Im doing all I can manage to keep things together, to put safety nets in place for them - I have a will, life insurance, etc. - and trying to prepare them for their eventual independence - but sometimes its hard to see any point. Please dont tell me to pray and trust in God - Ive done that my whole life and the net result is Im a widow with two disabled kids and no hope or joy in my life and not a thing to look forward to. I try hard to count my blessings, but these days the glass is definitely at least half-empty - if not completely drained dry. I really am getting by just on sheer stubbornness, and that only for my sons sake. But the constant stress and exhaustion are catching up with me. Im processing so much anger about it all - I didnt deserve this and my kids sure as hell didnt deserve this either. Im mad at God, Im mad at Cliff, Im mad at the universe and Im mad at myself for not being able to get through this and somehow make it all okay. Thanks for letting me rant.
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