Heard it in my head again...not always positive...i am criticizing myself..a lot but hoping i'm not saying these horrible things about me cause i have no self worth but mainly because of self improvement...decided not to listen to it either...the Chaplain told me it isn't my fault that he died..but yet I see how I wasn't always nice to him like telling him to walk now eat now...getting mad cause he didn't want to get out of bed as he couldn't breathe but yet refused to go to the Dr. Kept on saying tomorrow Please can you give me that..He and I had talked about how my constant worrying was driving him nuts..Please allow him to choose etc....so took Every cell in my body not to scream at him but knew it hurt him when I did so I quit...Tried...I asked him last year to get Me one thing for my birthday which was last September a Birthday Card. He did and I have not opened it cause its like I knew I was going to lose you..even before the song came out...which was playing on the radio when you were in the hospital for 54 days before you died...two release dates too....The card with your ashes are on my Headboard...your picture blown up on my wall and I can't stop reading your texts and emails...I have your voice recorded on my phone..it doesn't work anymore i hope i can save it on my new phone...hearing your voice on my phone ..i miss it...Has anyone here felt like you don't want to move forward? When you do it is like you feel strange ..accomplishing even paying a bill excited me...Scary too...you see when my first husband died I had my parents there too help me with the children and me that was just over 38 years ago..
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