I think I just need to get this out: I am so tired of carrying this pain around with me. It is such a burden. I wish that it would just come out ALL AT ONCE. But it insidiously comes out every few days or so.....and it hurts so much. Whenever he and I were together, whenever he saw a beautiful woman he would drool all over her and tell me what he would like to do with her. Asian women were his favorite. So now, I am stuck. Whenever I see a beautiful woman walking down the street, especially an Asian woman, I automatically start thinking about how attractive he would find them and lust and drool over their bodies with his eyes. And then I feel like the most repulsive, ugly and damaged piece of flesh ever. THIS IS SUCH A SOURCE OF DEEP PAIN FOR ME. This happens EACH AND EVERY TIME I see a beautiful woman walking down the street. I cannot express how badly I need this pain to end.
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