I knew my ex husband for 5 years before we started dating. He was the nicest guy. He was my best friend. He was always so helpful. If I was having car trouble he'd come over and fix it for me. If I needed to talk he was there. Then we started dating. I was thrilled to be dating my best friend. A month into it he was so angry. Always angry. I kept telling myself this isn't him there's something going on so, I constantly reminded him if he ever needed to talk I was there for him. We dated for a year things got worse & worse during that time. I fell and broke my jaw while we were dating. I was very heavily medicated & sensing my weakness he attacked whole heartedly. He made me feel worthless. I would sometimes go days without eating. I got dizzy a lot on those medications that was how I'd broken my jaw in the first place by trying to walk while I was dizzy. Anyway, when my family was around he would cook me meals & pretend as if he had been so busy taking care of me that he hadn't had time to eat or clean. The truth was he'd been far to busy yelling, breaking things with sentimental value that can never be replaced & punching holes in the walls. He took very good care of me for the few hours that my family visited. They wouldn't even be pulled out of the driveway yet & he'd start in on me again. He asked me to marry him. I said yes because I thought my gosh I'm this worthless & yet I've got a guy that's actually willing to marry me. After the wires were removed from my jaw & I was no longer heavily medicated I begged my family to please take me in so I could get away from him. They wouldn't I was pregnant they thought this man had taken such good care of me stood by me supported me after my surgery. He played it off as pregnancy hormones that were causing me to think he was a monster. I couldn't escape. I had no job because he wouldn't let me work. I had no money I had nowhere to go & I had a baby on the way. So, on our wedding day I pretended, I pretended to be happy, I pretended to be in love, I pretended to believe those "I'm so happy" tears he cried. I figured I'm getting married even if we aren't happy together & never will be I needed to learn how to fake it like he always did when ppl (other then his family) were around. Our marriage lasted 1 year & 5 months. He was in the army for 15 months of that time. That's probably the only reason the marriage lasted so long. He became an alcoholic (blamed me) & nearly killed a fellow soldier. That's when the army realized they'd forgotten to do a psych evaluation on him when he joined. They said he has explosive personality disorder & sent him home. Gee thanks. My 8 month old son & I really needed that. <---sarcasm.
Anyway, things went great until he got his 1st paycheck. Then he was always at the bar. We were living with his Dad. My ex, my son & I slept in the living room. My ex would come in ranting & raving after the bar closed & wake up our son. Who naturally would cry. My ex would get right in my son's face who was 8 months old at the time & scream for him to go to bed. I tried talking to my ex I tried yelling @ him neither worked. So, I'd cry which got my ex to turn on me. I'd walk outside knowing that he'd view this as a great offense (got him away from my son though). Then he'd scream @ me outside while I listened to my son cry himself to sleep inside. At this point I'd put up with nearly 2.5 years of emotional abuse then he started to physically abuse me. The night I left him my son watched him attack me. My son was 10 months old and so terrified by what he saw his dad do to me that he just sat there eyes the size of quarters for nearly 7 hours. We sat locked in the car for 2 hours waiting for the cops my ex had us blocked in so we couldn't drive away. Finally I had the chance I needed & I left. I stopped on the corner as the cops told me to because they were just around the corner which of course is what they'd been saying the entire time. My son screamed bloody murder as soon as he realized his dad wasn't around so he could cry he could let me know he hurt. He was still scared to cry though because he'd cry for a second then stop for a few minutes and whimper. It was heartbreaking seeing him hurt that much. The cops finally got there did nothing. My son & I left the state. We haven't heard from his dad going on 8 months now. Which I see as a good thing. I don't want him in my son's life poisoning his little mind. I left my ex 9 months ago. But, I am still being emotionally abused. I've gotten so used to it that I'm very hard on myself. How do I stop? I still haven't found a divorce lawyer willing to take on my case. They tend to just hang up when I mention that I'm on a fixed income so I can't afford much. I'm going to school full time. Hoping that I can afford a divorce lawyer to completely rid myself of him. He has a very well paying job & I'm afraid that if I don't have a lawyer he'll be granted visitations with my son. I have to protect my son from this psychopath. So, I am very lost on how to rid us of this risk. I have nightmares all the time of him just showing up ready to pretend to be a dad. When I wake up from these nightmares I tremble so bad & hurt so badly it's like he's just beaten me up again. He was also cheating on me I found her house key in my car after I left him. I need advice on a few aspects. 1) how do I stop abusing myself emotionally? 2) how can I protect my son from this monster? 3) why can't I find a lawyer with a heart? (that isn't in it for the money)