I am in a state right now where I am not sure if I want to cry or if I want to scream. My bio children have been sick. My oldest step daughter has been sick. My family ( parents, little brother, and extended family ) wont talk to me. They wont have anything to do with me. It hurts alot. I get angry when it comes to crisism lately. So much I lash out at people and mostly the wrong ones. I have even thought about signing myself into the hospital. But because of my husbands work and school schedule I dont want to do that. The new psych place cancled my eval on friday and I had to reschedule it but cant get in until April 7th. So now I have to wait even longer to see the pdoc for a good mood stalizer. The mania makes me sink further and further down. Im afraid for when the depression hits because I know its not to far off now. What kind of pit I am going to be in. I have a good husband and great kids. There is no reason for me to get or be depressed really. Just think to much on the ones that dont want me. The ones that do that I constantly hurt. It seems like the people who love and need me im constantly letting down. I yell at people that dont deserve it. Im sick of this constant roller coaster going on inside my head. The voices are back and telling them to shut up isnt working. I can wake up in one mood and in the matter of a few hours im like a different person completly. Its hard and I dont know if I can stick it out until I can see the pdoc.
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