Logically, I know it's not true but, it feels like every single day now someone else is announcing they are pregnant, or having their baby. Both my siblings have children now. My sister-in-law is also due any moment. And here I am- no children, desperately trying and starting in on fertility treatments this month. My hope... I'm trying my damndest to stay positive that maybe for my husband and I, we just need a little added help but, my hope is waivering. The idea of going this far to have a child and still failing is starting to go through my head. I'm getting early disappointment, early devistation. It's easier when I'm angry. It's amazing when I have "dead inside" days. Easier when I have "just give up" days. Moments where I forget that my husband and I are even trying are amazing until it call comes crashing back down on me- it's like I'm living with the ghost of the child who will just not grow inside my body.
I'm not religious at all but, I find myself getting SO angry and thinking "why am I not worthy of a child? Why to little spirits choose everyone but me to be their mom?" I've worked so hard to get to the point in my life where I have my ducks in a row and am ready to have a baby and even with all that preperation, all that hard work- nothing. I'm ready, my life is ready, why is no little spirit seeing that? It's a ever growing hole in my life where my child should be.
Meanwhile, the list of people I can't bring myself to talk to continues to grow, with every period, my ability to be around anyone with kids lessens. The "you just don't get it, do you?" screams inside every time someone says they are pregnant- even people who have no idea that my husband and I are trying- which, honestly, is pretty much everyone because it's really no one's business. We haven't even told our families. I verge on tears thinking that my sister's kid is getting to be the age where my sister and her husband are likely going to announce she's pregnant again. I don't think I'll be able to get through that call without crying. The expectation of my excitement for other people's children? It's torture. All I could muster for my sister in law was a "congratulations" and that was months and months ago- now it's even worse. I can barely manage to speak.
I'm trying to be hopeful about IUI but- as the days draw out before my next period, I am getting less and less hopeful. Months are so long for me now. Of course I have these super-long cycles just to add to the agony (my cycles are more than a month long) so the clinic can't do more than a thing or two each month and then we have to wait for me to bleed- every month, wait to bleed... every month, see someone else's newborn, every month see someone else's pregnancy announcment.
Hell, I already know how I plan to announce. My husband and I know what we'd name a little girl (no idea if it's a boy) and have known since very early in our relationship, long before we got married.
I want it to be over, I don't know how much more I can take. By never having been pregnant before, it just adds to this "and what if I just can't, what if, even with all these tests saying there's no reason this hasn't happened that we can find" it's just something they can't find? Tick, tock, tick, tock- I'm not getting younger.
And the longer I keep quiet, which I do to protect myself, the more I want to scream about infertility at all the people who are getting pregnant- which I know if not fair, of course they should be happy and excited that they are expecting. But as I sit over here, hurting SO badly, I want to yell it, I want to yell "Do you have ANY idea how hurtful it is to say I'm pregnant when you don't know if someone else is trying or not? There's someone right here who has been trying for a year now and it hasn't happened. How long did you try? Why did the little baby soul choose you? Why not me?!" My sister told me she and her husband tried for 2 months really- 3 months but one where he was away during her ovulation. I can't get that out of my head, it makes me SO angry and SO hurt.
I'm glad this board exists for support, but, I also wish it didn't have to. I'm sitting with all you wonderful women today. This is so unfair!
Hello: I am considering going to a place called the Meadows for treatment of my anxiety and depression. One of the requirements is that i not be on my clonapin. I have been on 1.5mg per day for 20+yrs which is prescribe by my dr. and concerned and afraid of what it is going to be like coming off this drug. Does anyone have experience with detoxing from this type of drug.
Hey there, Its been awhile since I have posted on this site. In reviewing some of your posts, the heartbreak and pain of IVF comes back. However, at 42 years old, I am now the proud momma of a 7 week old beautiful daughter. She was the last batch of embryos and part of the fourth embryo transfer.I reflect on where I was a year ago and am in disbelief and awe and beyond grateful. Keep up the...