The sadness of friends that have come and gone and friends that have never come at all just overwhelms me sometimes.

I know my problems tend to stem from my lack of self esteem and fear of others and that I have had a slew of interpresonal problems as a result of the trich and the way I was brought up "over" the trich.

I've lived in the same town (Pittsburgh -boo -we didn't win) my entire life and have one friend from high school that I'm still in touch with (besides some random people that I've connected with on Facebook -who are just friends there only).

I always wanted a circle of friends. I usually have friends in different pockets and they never intersect. At different times in my life I was just completely alone...while I looked good on paper (finished college, worked in corporate America for great companies, etc...), I had to be "Miss Outgoing" and strong on the outside, but have really been a scared little child ion the inside. Some people see right through it and it makes me incredibly nervous.

Anyhow, just feeling like such a waste right now. I married later in life a fabulous man (it was truly a miracle) -close to turning 37 -and he is not only a genius, but comes from a very well to do family and has a ton of friends from his childhood back in DC. They get together all the time and while I'm so happy that he has this, it just makes me feel so embarrassed of myself and so lost.

I've lost a few more friends in the transition of leaving work to be a mom (hey -when you have your first when you are almost 40, I didn't want tot miss a minute of it -plus I was completely burned out from my job and had issues there as well). Anyhow, I'm truly rambling and not making much sense here, but I guess the Superbowl tonight just made the feelings all come back.

You'd think I would have a big group of friends to take my wonderful husband to a party (or to have one). I am grateful for my one good girlfriend who came over (she is divorced and very sad right now)...but am just feeling like my life has been a big waste.

Yes, I looked good on paper, but the truth is that at work I was just a phony barely making it and I can't hold on to a friendship to save my life. It is extremely hard for me to make new friends as I feel inferior to people. I've done a tremendous job trying to make new friends in my new life by joining local clubs and just meeting people on my walks with my son...I am very outgoing that way. But I just will never be the person on facebook with the pictures of me and my 12 girlfriends.

I just look back at my life and am feel like such a loser. No one can stand me and I can't stand myself. I know that is the problem...but I just have so much pain from how I was raised and can't seem to shake it. I know I need to grow up and just be happy that I found someone in this life to love me...but it sometimes is so embarrassing when you realize that you have no one and no one cares about you. It makes me feel that my husband made a huge mistake by marrying me (we did this pretty fast) and my heart breaks for him. He deserves to be with someone much smarter and attractive (I did not tell him about my three decade long problem of trich until after our son was born). I fear so much that he is trapped and doesn't know what to do. I just feel awful.

Thanks for listening to anyone who made it this far in my crazy post tonight :)

Not sure if it made any sense....I guess I'm just trying to say that I am a good person with such a good heart and a good friend...but I attract the wrong people into my life a lot...or perhaps I don't get the right people in my life as I feel to inferior to let them in. Either way, I'm still searching for my "circle of friends".