Ever since I was a little kid I felt more in place with all the boys in my neighborhood (around the age of six) than I did sitting around with the girls and playing with Barbies and that dreaded Easy Bake oven. When I went to the Beauty Shop one day with my mom, I requested a boy's haircut out of a magazine and hesitantly she agreed to it. With the haircut and my flat chest and boyish clothes, lots of people thought I was a boy. When someone mistook me for a boy, I felt absolutely empowered by it. I was in guy sports like wrestling and football until high school when the fact that I was a girl sucked all the fun out of it. When puberty hit at the age of 10 or so, suddenly things got complicated. I still cut my hair like a boy and wore mostly boys clother and tried to immitate the most popular boys in the school. It didn't always work to well but I got along. As I got older and all my friends (all the males ones) starting chasing girls and I wanted to be apart of it. Around thirteen, when my breasts were really prominent, hips and butt had filled out, and in general my features had become that of a young lady, I fell apart. Even though I still wore the clothes and had short hair, I just couldn't be mistaken as a girl. I was blessed with a few somewhat male charactaristics like a defined jaw, big feet, broad shoulders, but it didn't help that much. When I went to the mall or somewhere I would tape my breasts down until, in a loose shirt, they couldn't be seen, and I'd spike up my hair, add a tiny bit of eyeliner like all the guys with the same style as me did, so that when I was done I really did look like a boy. I would flirt with girls and gay guys to no end and the disguise worked. I felt like I had achieved some great goal inside me. Once again things fell apart when horomones kicked in and suddenly I was attracted to guys. I had sex and loved it and I was ashamed of it. How could I possibly be a guy but still enjoy this? I really started worrying about it when I overheard a conversation between some of my relatives about drag queens and transgenders, ect., and how everyone of them was going to hell for not being happy with the way God had made them. I was not a believer in God but the fact that they saw them like that hurt deep down and scared me. So I started wearing mini-skirts and flirting with boys and picking up boyfriends, showing him off to family as much as possible. It was the worst time of my life but it convinced everyone else. I fell in love with a man but still being female bothered me. Putting on the fake show was almost painful and I often cried over the fact that I had to have been born a girl. Everyonce in a while, I still go down to the mall, breasts taped down and dressed as a guy, and flirt with girls and gay guys. Is this an actuall gender issue, or is this just some weird teen fetish? It doesn't feel like it is to me. I love the feeling of knowing that the person I'm talking to has no idea I'm not a guy. I'm just really confused about the issue. I don't think I wan't a sex change but I'm definately not happy with the way I am. Is there a name for this?
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