Transgender Support Group

This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.

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My husband feels he's transgendered

Are there any spouses out there with the same situation? I need lots of help.



Hey there,

My relationship of 5 years just ended before christmas and though my partner believes he was not transgender has such he was a cross dresser.

Though I never seen him do it while we were together I know he was doing it behind my back and I saw photos of him dressed etc.. and found the evidence to know he was doing it behind my back even though I asked him not to and we had conciloring and things to try and help us deal with it but things just fell apart.

I am assuming that you have been married for sometime, I am curious to if you have children?

Also I gather this is something that you have only recently discovered...

In my case my partner told me that cross dressing was something that he had done in the past and didn't believe that it was going to become a further issue in our relationship.. tho it did.

I would suggest that you seek counciling either together or alone. In my case I can say it didn't work for us though it may help your husband come to terms with it, it may not be that he wants to be a woman it may just be that he wants to cross dress ocasionally...

I think that perhaps it would be important for him to seek some kind of professional guidance because he may be has confussed about this has you are. Perhaps when he has a better grasp on it himself you could see someone together to talk about your issues.

The main thing is to talk about him, please don't make the mistake I did and judge him to harshly... This is likely to be something that has been eatting away at him for sometime...

Open communication is the key...

This is not something to my understanding that can be 'cured'...

I am not sure what else to say but I hope this has been some help.. because I feel your pain. I am trying to reconcile with my ex because I love him so much.. I wish you all the best!

Hi Tearz,

Thank you so much for responding. H & I have been together for 6 1/2 years. Our 4th wedding anniversary is next month.

When I met him he told me about this way back in his 20's but he got it out of his system. Then, 1 yr. before we got married, he decided he wanted to be a girl. He started with meds and facial hair removal, wearing ladies undies, etc. I told him that there was no way I could marry him, but I would be there as a friend. My family and friends told me to get out, but he was just so down that I couldn't leave. H is my 3rd husband.

Anyway, about 3 -4 months later he told me that was not what he really wanted. He wanted me. After a year went by, and things were very good we got married. Then last October it started all over only with him telling me he was gay. I was shocked to say the least, anyway, I started counseling. Last week he tells me he isn't gay and that he doesn't fit in but that he is transgendered. Luckily, I am still in counseling, so will have something new to talk to the counselor about.

I feel your pain too and I wish you all the best. I understand about the cross-dressing as H is doing it while I'm at work.

We do talk. He wants to stay together, but and I don't mean this to be rude, nasty, etc. I want to be with a man, not a woman. I am not telling any of my family or friends about this as they warned me before. I do love him, but.....

Got to go, the tears are coming. Talk to you again soon.

hi ther im married to a transgender woman who is pre op in the begin i had a lot to learn about transgender issuse andhow it affect her life but with my love and her understand and guiding meon how her body and mined work i nowam able to help other people who r going thought the same things

My husband (er, wife) has decided to transition into a female. After a lot of trying to come to terms and working it out we have recently separated- which has been hard because we've never had problems before, it is solely due to this issue-- i love him very much. You need to talk to your husband/wife and find out exactly what is going on with him/her, talk things out, figure what you both want.

Id suggest to him to go to counseling, and you as well.

Marriage can survive a transition so don't be discouraged, as long as its what both parties want.

Also, thank you for posting. It is hard to find people that you can talk about these sorts of situations with- its nice to know i'm not alone.

I appreciate all your replys. This is so difficult, as you all know. I feel for all of you.

My husband is waiting for a reply from the counseling center for a counselor to go see. I am already in counseling and I go this Friday.

This weekend was really hard as he bought some women's sandals, shorts etc. I told him that I cannot go out with him if he looks like a female and he understands. I also told him that I don't want to be married to a female as I am definitely interested in men. This is the only issue that we have between us me a definite female and him wanting to be a female.

Hey Lynnies,

My pleasure in responding. I may not always get to the message board too quickly sometimes I find it difficult to focus on the subject to solidly but you can always mail me here if you need to talk also.

I know what you mean it is really truely a hard thing to talk about with people. I know that I could never go to my family or friends because I just knew they would never understand.

With NO offence to you intended at all I think that if he told you that he wanted to go foward with the trans surgery perhaps getting married wasn't the best idea... I know what it is when you are in love with this person though and especially when you feel it's the only issue you have between you.

It was a huge issue for me because I am rather comfortable with my sexuality and I don't want to be with a woman.. And though he would still be a man and just wanted to dress has a woman and never wanted a full change I was still very uncomfortable with the issue.

I can see also that this would be difficult being your 3rd marriage also :(

I really aplaude you for standing by him. I believe that couselling for you both may help... Perhaps it wont keep you together... I have heard a lot of stories of woman whos husbands have gone all the way and they have continued to be with their partner... this cuts me up because I would like to think that me and my ex could reconsile and though it's not what he wants I some how feel that if I love him enough and except him for who is it that crossdressing wouldn't be a problem... I love him! I love him more than I can express in words... I know he isn't gay but we talked and he said if I was a man he'd still love me... I love him but I could never love him has her...

When you said 'I want to be with a man, not a woman' that really touched me because thats exactly how I feel... though in my case its just clothing... it's still the same concept... I want to be with a man.. I am not a lessbian.. and I am not bi.. I am just straight! Though that seems to be rather rare now they seem to believe that something like 90% of people are actually bi...

I been talking a lot to my ex and I hope I have been making some progress... It's very hard to be sure I seem to take a step foward and 2 back...

I wish you all the best my dear! I don't know what to say but I feel your pain... I have a friend thats pre op female she been on hormones before pubity and is now in her 30's she wants to op but its so expensive... I understand that she feels living has matthew was being in the wrong body and I can see why she wants to go all the way to become Michelle... I just don't understand why my ex who doesn't feel that way wants to dress as someone or something he's not...

Take care! I wish you all the best! If nothing else I hope you can stay friends! You seem very understanding and an awesome friend.

I met my fiance 4 years ago, and we became best friends and a year and a few months ago started dating. She is a MTF (Male to Female) and has been since before I met her. She is still pre-op, but does want to have the operation as soon as she can.
We met online, and have only spend 4 weeks together in real life. 2 before we started dating and 2 around our 1 year anniversary. She is coming to visit me in late June for 5 days.
Not the same situation, but similar in where my special someone is a TG.

My story is somewhat similar here. My hubby and I have been married for 5 years, and dated 2 years prior to that. He told me once before our wedding that he likes to CD. I was confused and scared and didn't understand. He said it wasn't a big deal and he was trying to put it behind him.

Fast forward to this past fall. He tells me that he's been CDing for our entire marriage. I was shocked, confused, scared, etc. I didn't know if this would be the beginning of the end for us or if it was a blessing in disguise. We don't have other issues, our relationship is pretty solid other than this secret he had been keeping from me.

So now I know and I've slowing become more comfortable. At first I didn't want to see him dressed up. Then I was OK if it was underwear or more unisex clothing. I'm still not comfortable with him CDing in public (we live in a small, conservative city). Now I'm ok if he is fully dressed at home around me.

Is it an ideal situation? No. Would I choose this to be part of my marriage? No. But I love him and more than anything, I want him to be happy with who he is. I know CD makes him happy and he feels special. So on specific days, once-in-a-while, I will paint his nails, put makeup on him, and we'll (discretely) shop for him to have a dress/skirt/blouse, etc.

The subject of surgery has been discussed. At this time he is simply happy just CDing. However, I wouldn't be too shocked if in 10 years he decides it's what will make him happy. He knows that I will be there and be supportive but I will not remain married as I want a marriage with a man. I'm scared to have children in case this might happen and I'm also freaked for what my family/friends would think if they found out.

Good luck with your situation.

Hi everyone, I haven't been to the site in a while. I've really been having a hard time dealing with all this.

My husband now has shaved his legs, arms and is having electrolysis done on his face. He started counseling for what I thought would be to find out who he really is. Well, to my surprise he is on the road to becoming a woman. He said he knows how he is.

I met with my counselor yesterday and we had a good talk. He understands what I am going thru. He said if my emotions weren't all over the place he would be worried about me.

I just wish I could go back in time, but that's not possible. I am embarassed to have people find out and I don't want my relatives to know. I don't know how long we'll stay together. For now, we're just room mates.

He want's to start dressing and going out with me, I am not ready for that yet. I just don't know.

Life sure sucks sometimes, but I know there is a reason for everything and I sure hope there is a good one here.

I feel for all of you.

lynnies ... I am really sorry to hear that it has come this far... I really feel for you because I know how it is to love someone so much... But I know what it is like to want to be with a man and not be with a woman... or a man wanting to be or dress has a woman... and though some people may say that than you don't honestly love this person! I can say I do I love everything about him... but how can I love something thats not ever been a part of him I have known or thats never been a part of our relationship... or a lot more to the point... SOMEONE else... because for him to be or dress has a woman... he's NOT the MAN I am in love with...

IlluminatedGrace ...I have heard SO many stories like yours and I wish I REALLY WISH! I had your strength... :( I have lost the love my life and I may NEVER get that back...


About 10 months ago, my husband of 3.5 years (we've been together 8 years total) told me that he wanted to become a woman.

To complicate matters he is in the Army and is currently deployed in Iraq. So, he told me over instant messenger...not the best choice. I was crushed.

Counseling has helped me. What also helped was telling my friends and family (with his permission of course--though I made him tell he own parents). I was afraid to do this at first, but it's actually been very helpful--I have a support system to help me come to terms, and I don't have to feel like I'm constantly lying to those around me.

My husband and I have decided to get divorced as I am only interested in men, but I think given time we could still be good friends. I love him dearly and would one day like to support this decision (even if I can't understand it). Luckily we have no children.

My biggest fear is actually trying a new relationship. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, I have never had to put myself out there, date, etc. Any words of encouragement would be nice!! How do I pick up the pieces of my life and heart and move on from the love of my life. Please help!!

well its carrie lost here. i wish that i had seen this post a while back..
I m a so or soffa wife.. Its very difficult. I recently found out after 2 years almost.. I was crushed too. I couldnt believe it i kept asking ?'s got no answers all year long. I m in counseling i have only known for 2-3 mths.
My friends have been the most help. Hi guys sorry i been mia.. To much going on..
Its a bumpy road to go on. My partners not a very good communicator >> Actions dont go with the words given sorta thing..
If anyone wants to add me or message me that would be nice.
tons of hugs and support.

Hi to You!

Like you, I have a husband who thinks he is a woman, but I absolutely will not let him do everything he wants. As it is, he spends 12 to 14 hours a day searching for every transsexual on the Internet and corresponding with them. He's retired. He also prints out pictures of them and masturbates to those picts. If I had known about the TS stuff before, I would NOT have married him. He also wears women's underpants ad shave his hands. Don't tell me to visit a shrink because he is a psychoogist. His behavior is wrecking our retirement years, and I am so sad all the time. I can't leave because we live on pensions that we both earned. it isn't enough for both of us to live independently.

I feel for you ladies so much. I was in a relationship for 10 years with my college sweetheart, that ended in divorce as my husband very slowly came to the realization that he was a woman living in a man's body. It has been six years since we parted ways (and I have taken great strides in rebuilding my life and I am happy to report am unbelievably happy) but I still struggle with the self doubt and shame that I carry from those very dark years of my life. Luckily, we never had any children, and luckily, I've been seeing a counselor.

I feel that while it is the right decision for some to stay, it is not the right decision for others, and I feel that the women that fall into the latter category don't get the support they need. Because I could not tell anyone in our community in Alaska, and we were 3000 miles away from my family, I feverishly searched the internet for hours, trying to find an ear, another woman I could bare my soul too who knew what I was going through. But each time I searched, I came up empty-handed.

I want to let all spouses know that find themselves in this horribly confusing and traumatic situation, it is ok to think about yoruselves. It IS ok to do what is the best thing for you. I thought about no one but my spouse from Day One and can tell you right now he never thought about me once. His actions were downright selfish and misleading, and yet, he was the one that found solace and comfort from the countless hours of being on the internet. There were a myriad of groups urging him to accept himself the way he was, that his thoughts and feelings were the most important thing. Even his counselor was a MTF and not once did the thoughts or feelings of his wife even enter one of their many sessions or conversations. I had no rights, and nothing that happened during that time of my life was fair and mattered to him or any of his friends. Nothing. I got taken advantage of and my selflessness only led to more things being taken away from me. My life as I knew it was deteriorating, and it was ok according to everyone in my husband's circle. And like some of you have mentioned, my husband as I knew him, did not exist. He was slowly being replaced by a more effeminate, emotional person that I did not know, and wasn't sure that I cared for. His fundamental personality was changing and I could no longer reach him on any level. He heard nothing I said.

Now I know this is an extreme case, and I'm not about to generalize about anyone's experience, but I want the spouses on here to know that their feelings DO matter. Your feelings are not any less important than those of your spouse. Make sure you take the time to be good to yourself, and you are honest with yourself about your happiness. Do whatever it takes to dig yourself out of the trench, whatever that is - your spouse is. Some people are so happy with staying, and I think that's great, but some people are truly afraid to leave. I'm hear to say that life is soooo rewarding when you can lift yourself up out of that trench and be who you were meant to be. That is true whether you are the transgendered individual, or the spouse. I'm thinking and though I'm not individual, I am praying for those of you that are finding yourself in this lonely place that very few understand... where the closest person in your life is becoming someone you don't know, and you don't know how to reach out for help, or to whom to seek it from. Believe it or not, your family and friends will be MUCH more supportive than you would ever think. Let go of the shame and fear, and do what you need to do for YOU.
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