Ok sit back and relax cuz this is a long one, Im a 19 year old MTF well im still a guy but i know im really a women on the inside, i figured it out about 5 years back when i was 14 but did nothing about it, when i was 15 i started cross dressing in private to begin with to get a feel of how i would look as a women, i felt a complete different person, i felt happier more confident more like i was me. it was the best high of my life but i kept it in the dark cuz i was scared wat my parents would think and my friends if they found out. when i was 17 i meet up with one of my old child hood sweet hearts and things hit off with her, i stoped cross dressing and started feeling more and more like if i told her i would crush her and i didnt want to break her heart i really love her and still do to this day. me and my girlfriend have been going out for 2 years now and i confessed halfway threw last year about how i felt i was a women on the inside, i thought she would hate me but she was quite understanding but i found out it was crushing her on the inside, so i promised her i would try and be a guy for her but only 6 months have passed and i have hurt my self, started hating my self more and more, gained weight cuz i hate this male body im in and just genually let my self go, the only feminime thing left on me is my eyes, i brought a mask to hid the rest of my face and just show my eyes and i find my self just staring into the mirror for wat seems hours into this eyes that are scream i am a women, eyes that done belong to a man. it just make me more depressed. but i think i do bad things that upset her with out knowing it because i hate my self so much in this body that i feel like i should not be loved at all. but the thing is i dont want to hurt i love her with all my heart but i think if she stayed with me and i became a women she would have to leave all the people she loves behind cuz they are really closed minded about it and i cant do that to her? im so conflicted by my heart its killing me what should i do plz help me?
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