ever since i was twelve, i knew that although everyone else categorized me as a "girl", i didn't quite fit the pink socks to match, and somehow i wasn't a tomboy either. i ended up dressing up as ryan gosling for a costume party and i had the time of my life, everyone told me that i looked really strangely handsome, so it clicked that maybe i actually identified as a boy. terrified, i shoved the idea of being trans into the back of my mind and decided to try to ignore my feelings. four years later, it was a strangely hot summer, which somehow encouraged me to be all the lazier. with nothing to distract my brain from thinking about the future, i mulled over my possible courses of action to transition. after all those years of trying ot ignore it, i was certain that i was a trans guy and already out to my best friends, so the next step was to come out to my dad. he's a deeply traditional macho-mexican-man, so i knew it was going to be hit or miss. after a succession of failed attempts to have a heart to heart with him, i left a very detailed letter underneath my pillow that explained my own experience and how i planned to transition with hrt in the future. eventually, i texted him its location while staying with my mom, who lives a safe distance (of a few hours) away, along with links to resources. he texted me back saying that he loved me either way. later, he revealed that he thought i should tell my brother, and so i did. he was iffy about it, but seems to have come around for the most part. not long after, a friend of mine, also a trans guy, told me that he was going to come out at the start of the school year. at that point, i felt like the only logical step was to come out at school alongside him. with all the courage that coming out to those few individuals gave me, i prepared to come out to my mom by writing another letter. just a week before junior year rolled around, i emailed the leader of my school's gay-straight alliance and told him my current situation and that i wanted my name/pronouns changed in class. he was incredible about it and gave me the green-light for essentially everything. my mom was the only obstacle left. however, things took a sharp turn when i expressed to my dad that i wanted to come out to my deeply religious and emotionally abusive mother so i could start testosterone.
although worded more politely to spare my feelings, my dad told me that he thought i was being reckless because he thinks that my mom has the capacity to make my life a living hell. he was convinced that she could change their custody arrangements so i'd be forced to live with her (as she married a billionaire and has incredible lawyers), make me so emotionally stressed that my grades slip (a major downside as i'm considering ivy league universities at this point), or send me to conversion therapy (it's illegal in my state, but my dad thinks that she could find a way around that). to be honest, i was certain that she'd just disown me which i wouldn't mind, i'd actually prefer not to deal with her at all, but i really trust my dad, so i took his word for it and stayed in the closet, more terrified than ever. my dream of being stealth in college shriveled and died, and i had nothing better to do than grieve over it. brokenhearted, i emailed back the school letting them know that i planned to not come out that year, and they respected my choice.
junior year has been little short of hell. my grades slipped first quarter anyway, from straight a's to almost straight b's, but i was able to somehow invest all of myself into school so i got a few more a's second quarter and it balanced out, but i felt empty. some days, i would stay up until around midnight, sneak out my window, and then daze off on my pool recliner in a numb state of dissociation and stargaze. on occasion i would drink alone because it's hard for me to cry while sober. nothing satisfied the void being in the closet left. my entire being went towards keeping up my grades, and so when my parents saw the a's on my report card, they assumed i was thriving. having perfected the ability to adapt my appearance, i convinced my friends that i was elated with life, but in reality very few things brought me any source of joy. i saw a gender therapist for a while which helped, but then water polo season started and i didn't have the time for it. somehow, it felt and still feels like i inhabit two lives. i decided to ask out my current girlfriend a few months ago and we began dating, which thankfully occupied my mind for a while and made me feel more at peace, but to be honest, i'm still not sure if i'm enamored with her or if i'm just scared to be alone, and having to keep our relationship secret has also been stressful. i only have two months of junior year left and then i have to make one of two choices: jump off the deep end and come out or just sit in shallow water for all of senior year and wait. the closet is consuming me, along with the terrible jealousy/dysphoria that arises from watching people transition around me with no means to do so, but coming out also has its own set of dangers. what would you do in my spot? or do you have any advice?