Well folks, just a forewarning this is going to be a vent session for me, so if you don't want to read it I understand. I am just so frustrated! I am mentally and emotionally exhausted!!! My anxiety is back with a vengance after doing really well for about three months. i am trying to fight it. It just feels like a never ending cycle. I get depressed and bored and lonely because I don't have a job, but if I go looking for one I get anxious... and then I don't look and I get more depressed and so on and so forth... And I have been trying, trying to fight the anxiety and just get out there and get a job... but it's hard, I don't use my most recent job as a reference because I was only there for three months and left in a tizzy during an anxiety attack and never looked back. So, how do I explain being off work for 8 almost 9 months now? I can't say health reasons because they look down on that. I have tried everything under the sun to make excuses as to why I haven't been working but no one wants to hear it. I can't even begin to tell you how many resumes I have sent out, and applications I have submitted and heard nothing back. I know it looks bad that I haven't been working for so long, but I don't know how to fix it. I try telling myself "well it's there loss, they missed out on a great employee" but I can only tell myself that so many times before I just can't keep saying it anymore. I had a major breakdown yesterday. Our bills are getting paid, but we don't have anything left over at the end of the month and I know it is stressing my fiancee out too. I am trying so hard but nothing seems to work. I know in amonth I wil have health care and be able to get on an SSRI and see a therapist but that seems like forever... I just feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I get so bored. I can't expect my fiancee to sit around with me 24/7 so he goes out and does things like goes to his friends houses and when he does I am so bored. I can only watch do so much reading, watching tv, taking the dogs out, looking around on the itnernet. I swear this house is emmaculate because I have nothing better to do so I clean. I am just going CRAZY sitting around doing nothing. I don't like to go to his friends because I get anxious there, but we have no money to go out and do things just the two of us and this heat is killing me... When it's hot out my anxiety is so much worse. His one friend and his fiancee, really piss me off too. They live with the guys mother, whom is really sick. She is in and out of the hospital all the time, and doesn't have much longer to live. She has a good life insurance policy and she gets a lot of SSI and takes care of them. They have an apartment in the basement, and she pays all their bills, and makes sure they are fed, and they use her car because she can't drive anymore. For lack of better wording, they are honestly just waiting for her to pass so they can have the house and the car, and the insurance money. Neither of them have worked for years, and they are both in their late twenties. When I see them I just want to choke them and scream! GET A LIFE!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE TO SIT AROUND AND DO NOTHING!!! IF YOU HAD TO LIVE LIKE THIS, AND HAD NO CHOICE YOU WOULD HATE IT!" But I can't I just have to sit here and bite my tounge. I just hate to see people taking advatage of situations and circumstances... and then there is me, US.... that have this God awful problem that we can do nothing about, and we want nothing more than to go get jobs, or drive, or go shopping by ourselves... they have no idea how blessed they are... Sorry I just needed to get this all out of my system, :*( Thanks for "listening"
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