I was told about this website by a sids resource advisor. I lost my daughter Daytona on Jan 30 this year. She was 29 days old. I will never forget the day she was born we were thrilled to have a baby on new years day. Immediately I could see myself some 21 years down the road being her annoying mother to call her and wish her a happy birthday at midnight even if she would be out celebrating with her friends. I think that is the hardest part of all this she had her whole future and I had so many plans for her and now all of that is gone. I will never hold her while she gets her shots or sit through her through the night while she is teething. I wont get to cheer when she takes her first step, or uses the potty for the first time. I just feel like a piece of me died with her that day. The only thing that keep me going is her older sister Dakota who will be 4 in May. I also had so many plans for them growing up as sisters. Forever friends like my sisters and I are. I used to be such a positive happy person with plans and goals...now I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. I force through this contant blur to ensure my little Dakota is still fed and well taken care of but I feel like I am just doing to motions and not living a life at all. I miss my baby so much, I also miss the person I was before all this happens. I also feel so awful that my little girl has a sad mommy now. How is any of this fair?? I know life is not promised to be easy but I never imagined it could be so hard. It has been 6 weeks since she passed. I am still having nightmares of the morning I found her. It was 5:45am and she was sleeping in bed with me as she (and her sister) I looked at her and she was not breathing and her hands felt cold I immediately picked her up and screamed for my boyfriend to call 911. As soon as I layed her on the floor to begin CPR I saw a little bit of blood come out of her nose....everything aafter that is such a blur the paramedics came in and I can remember one of them say "she still feels warm". I remember my heart fluttered like they would perform some miracle and my baby would be ok. They took her to the hospital and told us to follow us there. When I got there I ran so fast to the er a nurse came and took me to a room where a doctor walked in and said "we did everything we could....she didnt make it". My heart stopped all I asked was where is she and if I could see her. They took me to the er room she still had all the cords and I will never forget her peaceful little body just laying there. I grabbed her immediately like she would wake up if her momma would just pick her up. I think I screamed because she was so cold so lifeless. My precious little daytona was gone. They gave us about 6 hours with her...letting go was the hardest part......Just the next few days of planning the funeral and imagining your sweet angel at the morgue. All of those days seem to run together for me. It was so hard all of it I didnt want to let her go, I still dont. All of those month of baby shopping and preparing for her for what? I have so many outfits all with tags she will never wear...matching outsfits for her and her sissy that will never be worn. My heart just aches. I miss her constantly ....well I have to stop writting because the tears keep flowing.
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