I miss my son so much today. He would be walking, talking, running around. He would have been 2 on June 15th. He died at 4 months old. Shaun passed away in his crib... I was at work and my boyfriend checked on him after putting him down for a nap 10 minutes earlier. He was blue and unresponsive but still alive. They brought him back to life but said he was brain dead and was put on life support and a feeding tube. He continued to get sicker and sicker and had a dropping blood pressure and shutting down organs. Apparently he choked on his own spit-up and was without oxygen for an unknown amount of time (it couldn't have been longer than 10 minutes.) The doctor told me the best case scenario was that IF he woke up he could merely blink his eyes to communicate. No walking, no talking, basically a vegetable. My son was developmentally ahead of his age and very chunky. .. the nurse said "he's not missing any meals, huh?" I had never seen such a little boy hooked up to so many wires and gadgets. We had to make the worst decision of our lives to take him off of the life support. I felt like I myself had died inside and had to be dragged out of the room after holding him for five hours. I didn't want my little boy to be alone. He still needed his mommy. I was suicidal for a while after it happened and have struggled for the past two years with drugs and alcohol, violent outbursts, meaningless relationships, and bipolar episodes. I am still picking up the pieces of my life and need to talk to people. I don't blame myself, I know it happened for a reason (his father and my relationship was abusive,) but I still can't seem to care about myself anymore and move forward with my life. I need help.
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