Andrew has been gone for two months today. he's been dead longer then he was alive. it pains my heart to think of him. is it normal that i forget how it felt to hold him? that makes me feel like a monster. if only i would have gone down sooner to check on him i think. if only i had drove down the street where my husband lay dead a little sooner maybe i could have saved them...i have what would have been my 4 yr wedding anniversary with my husband soon and instead i will sit in a restaurant alone, picturing him sitting across the way. Jamie gave me one last gift , the last piece of evidence that he ever existed on the earth and i f*cked it up. thats all i can think about. when i picture Andrew i see a dead child, stiff and pale. i miss him so much i get mad when i see other mothers with kids his age. it just doesn't make sense that something so beautiful could die from nothing. i don't have any pictures of him up, i don't talk about him and my 2 year old daughter has forgotten him already. when she sees pics of him she says baby Emma! and i get upset but Emma my neighbors daughter is the only baby she sees and Andrew was like a visitor to her. i'm selling all Andrews thing at a flea market on Saturday and i'm super nervous that i'm not going to get through it and make o mess of myself in front of a bunch of people....i feel alone and abnormal in my town. it's so small and everyone knows everyone's business. i'm the girl that used to be on heavy drugs as a teenager that lost her husband mother and baby in 9 months. i want to tell everyone to shove it " i'm so sorry to hear, how are you doing" i want to say screw you leave me alone, i'm horrible what do you think?
am I normal?
am I normal?
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