Well, we're making progress on paying off some of our small debts and we finally got the power bill caught up.. but I keep losing work so now our mortgage payment, car payment, phone payment, a couple of loans we had before we got married are all in default. I had to take out what little we had saved up to make it so our mortgage payment is only 6 weeks behind.... We still want to try to get pregnant in November. but should we? we really can't afford a baby. Plus we still have about 1300 in doctor's bills from Isabella. It just doesn't seem fair. I've had a couple of job interviews, and I've started selling a lot of what we own on Ebay. I mean I've been selling on ebay part time for several years so that's not new, but now we are going to have to sell things we want to keep and I'm considering selling some of Isabella's things too just so hopefully we can have Christmas for my stepdaughter. I keep trying to remember to put my burdens on the Lord and to remember that God will provide & bless us... but I'm at my wits end. I nearly cried paying for groceries today because I feel guilty for spending money even though I saved about $25 with coupons because every dollar that goes out is one dollar closer to losing our home & car and puts us one dollar farther from wanting to bring a baby into a home we may not have by the time their born. I hate feeling like this on top of everything else I struggle with day to day! Please pray for us. Our financial burdens are eating me alive! I know we're luckier than many people because my husband has a secure job when many in our city don't... but it just doesn't seem right. I'm starting to think that we will never be secure enough financially to have another baby & I get scared that if we wait too long that I'll be "too old" to have a baby or that I will only be able to have high risk babies because of my age on top of the fear that I already have. I know I'm rambling but my thoughts have been consumed with wanting a baby lately because I know the doc said we can start trying in 3 weeks& now my future SIL is pregnant & I'm having freaking panic attacks because it would be financially stupid to get pregnant. but emotionally, I'm so ready. I've always wanted children and I waited until I was 29 to get pregnant and now she is with God and I still want more children that get to stay here with me & I think I'm just going nuts with anxiety over this!
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