I got pregnant when I was 17 years old. A week after my high school graduation I gave birth to my first child at 26 weeks. I was in Hawaii, my grandparents took me as a high school graduation present, I was so excited. (my doctor told me that I was ok to fly and that the swelling in my legs was normal.) The second night in hawaii I was rushed to the hospital after I went to the first aid station and the worker saw how swollen I was. She took my blood pressure, it was 188 over 136. At first they told me that my baby was going to be delivered by c- section and she might make it. They had a specialist look at the ultrasound and she told me my baby wasn't going to make it. My heart dropped. My memory stops there for a while, like time stopped. She was still alive at the time. I had hopes she'd make it. This all happened on a monday and she wasn't born till wednesday morning. I gave birth in a room by myself, the nurses didn't get there soon enough. I pushed and she came out. She laid there on my bed under the sheets. I was too weak to move. I remember looking under the sheets and could hardly make her out, my vision was blurry. The nurses came in and took her, they apologized. They cleaned her and weighed her and measured her then wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to me. She was beautiful. She was swollen so it made her look chunky. My little girl was born still on June 29th 2005. She really was beautiful, I named her Noelle, story behind the name, when I was 13 I was taken out of my mom's house, her husband was abusing us so I was saved from it and I was able to go to summer camp and this song Teenage Dirt bag was really popular and it reminds me of when I was saved from this man. In the song they say " Her name was Noelle, I had a dream about her, she rings my bell....anyways. We were going to name her mckenzie but for some reason I felt Noelle fit her better. My grandparents came and held her. It was so hard to say good bye. I kissed her three times. I couldn't afford to have her buried so the hospital cremated her and spread her ashes in the ocean off the shore of Oahu, Hawaii. To visit her I just go to the beach, I live in California. About a month after her birth I got a tattoo in memory of Noelle. It's pretty, It says In Loving Memory, Noelle 6/29/05 and above it there are 3 plumerias, One for each kiss I gave her. When I feel like I can I will get either her hand or foot prints on my back also. Anyways I joined this site, I never really dealt with losing her, 5 months later I attempted suicide and 2 weeks after that I got pregnant with my little girl Leilani, yes a hawaiian name.
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