After losing Carter his fathers and I relationships seems to have taken the turn for the worst. I dont know what to do. I had a lot of guilt cause i felt like he blamed me for our sons death and being that he moved about 3 hours 6 days before Carters passing I thought maybe it was ste wasnt able to be there the day I got to the hospital to go get checked up on and the Emergency Csection happened so quick i had to make someone call him to let him know what was going on while i waled my self to the operating room . I am only 18 and i had to deal with that myself my mom wasnt there in time to see what was going on, we didn't expect this to happen. I woke up soon after asking about Carter I asked if anyone has talked to Simeon (BF & Father) and they said yes all i could repeat was he is mad at me isn't he , he is mad huh shaking my head back and forth. I've never felt that much guilt from me blaiming myself for Caters passing and Simeon losing his son. He came down the next day by bus and he stayed for two days was there when i got discharged. He was anxious to leave and go back to his new city he called home and was rushing me to get discharged that same day i got a kiss goodbye right after signing Carter's cremation papers at the funeral home. I was angry because I thought he would want to be there for me and not just leave me like that, but i didnt say anything I didnt want to seem selfish. He wasn't there when Carters ashes came home he wasn' t there for me on the nights when i stayed up terrified and couldn't sleep until the sun came up. He was out with his friends and it made me feel like he didnt care , amde it seem like his son never existed and that kills me inside, he doesn't understand what i'm going through and he lets me know that, but how can you not know what i am going through when he was just as much of your son as he was mine? for goodness sakes he LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU, his death shredded my heart when it seems like it just merely rubbe against yours? So know you think I am going through stuff which i am i wil be the first to admit, but you aren't here for me and now we are no longer one. && I am not to fond of second chances, i dont know that to do.
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