I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. My heart aches reading your words. I wish I could something to help - but I'm at a loss for words. I will be praying for your peace. I don't think you will be forever in this dark dismal place, but I can't tell you when it gets better. But I can say from my own experience it does. Today I can think of my angel and smile instead of just crying and wanting to hide. We have decided that our family is complete. We will not be trying for another child. Its hard. I think this is the first time I've actually admitted it out loud! But for me - for us - the pain and fear is too much and I do have children here that need me. The decision to try again or not is so personal - DH may just need more time - he may want you to heal more before trying again.
For being at a loss of words - I'm sure chatty!
Anyway, I hope soemthing I have said can help if even for one moment. Praying for better days for you ...

You are not alone. I'm sure everyone on here can sympathize with not being able to relate. I look at random people and think of how different their life is and how they will never "get it". I'm suddenly offended by people who risk there lives or health for any reason. No one knows what you are going through. You were the only person the truly know your baby. You spent all that time with her 24/7. But know that just because they can't relate doesn't mean they can't empathize. You and your sister may be distant for awhile. That's okay, you need time to heal. She will always be there for you, but maybe you just need time apart right now. I also sympathize with not being able to enjoy things. Nothing sounds fun. But we have to move forward. Our babies would want us to. (Disclaimer: I hope I'm being supportive. I am finding that I cannot relate to others right now, so I am not sure if I am helping or hurting. I hope I am helping.)

tbro~ yes, i am and have been having a really hard time with this. i am sure many of us are. i think sometimes i am just a tlittle too forthcoming with my words "in public" like my blog and here. The decision to try again is a relly personal one. I came from such a large family (9 kids) and we are all VERY close. i love that. our children are 12 and almost 4. the gap is too much for me. i wanted children closer in age so that they could be close. i suppose it is just not in the works for me :( i feel like if this is the only life we get, that i sure fucked mine up. its nothing like i wouldve liked at all. i feel like the biggest failure right now. and i feel like maybe i need that reassurence that i am not by hoping to have a sucessful pregnancy again and bringing life into this world again will reawaken my own heart and spirit that is lost.
Vienna~ knowing that i am not alone in these feelings IS supportive. in ways people who have not endured this pain cant understand. thank you for reading and replying, that is where you can see your not alone and being supported. thank you! (((HUGS)))

Be kind to yourself. I am struggling too with the fact that we only get one shot at this life. I have plenty of years still do so many things, but still feel like our time here is not long enough. I want you to know that I am an only child. Sure I would have and still would have liked to have siblings, but I am very saticfied even without siblings. I am that much closer to my mom. I have friends that are more like family. And I have a cousin that is like a sister. Your kids may have quite a few years between then, but they are still siblings and will still have that bond. They might not be able to relate right now, but when they are adults, the age difference will not matter and they will always be there for each other.

Actually, I take that back...I am not an only child. My mother had a miscarriage before having me. She was 5 months along. She never learned the sex of her baby, but I know that he is my brother. I pray to him a lot and look to him for support.

(((Hugs))) I'm feeling guilty and defeated alot too. Its so hard to be without our angels. I do agree that your DH may need more time. I know mine was scared to death by what was happening to me. He was so afraid to lose me too. Your DH maybe feeling the same thing.

I'm trying to find posstive things to do in memory of Colton. We're doing the March for Babies next month, and I've started to make baby blankets for new angel moms I'm going to donate to the hospital.
((HUGS)) I wish I could give you in person.
Andrea

First off, I like to say you are a part of something good. You are apart of this support group and we need eachother more than anyone else could understand. We help eachother up when one of us is down, we smile with eachother when one of us has a good day, we give eachother advice or just reassure eachother when it is needed. You are a part of our angles voices because they can't tell their own story. You are not the same person anymore. None of us are. You just need to give yourself time to learn about the new you. I walked around with a painted smile for what seemed like forever even though I felt like a hollow version of myself. You will come through this. You other child needs his Mommy to tell him all about his angle sibling one day. We need you to do what all of us do for one anouther. The dark days do get better. Hold on a little longer and give yourself time. My heart and tears are with you.

I feel the same way and as I talk with other women who have been through what we have it seems like none of us will ever be the same person we were befor the loss of our children. The day mary was born still even my husband said he was changed forever, I think that is true for all of us. Thinking of you :-(

You are in a very dark place right now, a place where you don't know who you are any more. You are not the person you were before your baby died, and I'm sorry to say you never will be. But there is a future for you and you will come out of the dark place sometime. It may be by having another baby, or it may be just with the passage of time. You will come to know what your "new normal" is. It will include your love for and memories of your precious child. Just remember that you are cared for and understood by all of us here - you are not alone.

oh Krystal, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time lately. I wish i could give you a big hug! I know what you mean though, I am definately not the person I was. I notice when I hang out with certain people, I have absolutely nothing to say to them and I really find myself not wanting to be there. I think that we are just different people after what we have been thru and we see everything differently. I dont think that there is anything wrong with that though. Have you thought of seeing if there is a in person support group in your area? maybe that would help you. You could meet some moms in your area who get it and you can also talk about how you feel. Just a thought!

Anyway, I think that you are a great woman and you need to recognize that! You deserve to give yourself a little credit. As for your hubby, maybe try and find out why exactly he doesnt want to try again. Maybe he is really worried that something will happen to you or scared of the same outcome? Try and talk to him and maybe things will change. Big hugs to you my dear!

Life is not fair. I sometimes feel the same way, and feel like there is a hole in my heart the size of Texas, that will never heal. Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The problem is sometimes the tunnel seems so long. I wish I could hug you and take your pain away. Sending you a hug and a prayer. Shelly

Oh God it's like you just said everything that I've been thinking. My best friend and I were pregnant together, had our babies together within two days in the same hospital and in the rooms next to each other. It's so awful. I'm sorry. I have no words to say that can help or take it away, but I understand. Friend me if you ever need anything. And please know that you're not alone, I have no idea who I am anymore either. I think back on who I used to be and I have no idea anymore why I could be so optimistic.

This is so a now topic... it's all I've been thinking recently too. When I'm with friends from 'before', I can smile and chat and be with them, but inside I feel empty, disinterested and disconnected. I HATE being around other pregnant friends, they have no idea and often say hurtful throwaway comments about hating being pregnant and at least there's a baby at the end etc...
I feel like a spectator when I'm with them, I'm not real. I can't say what I think, I don't know what is true about life anymore. I get mad when people give an opinion about any aspect of my life, what I should or shouldn't do. It makes me mad that they can't possibly know how changed me and DH are on the inside. It's not like losing a family pet, or losing a job, not like being unwell. It's like those adverts for cancer,( do you have them in the states?), where they show a photo of a group of friends, and then one or two of the people are removed and in their place a black space which they occupied. There will always be a black space in every family photo, where my angel should have been, it doesn't matter how many more kids I have. I know being half way through my rainbow pregnancy, that it doesn't get easier, you remember how nosey people are in the latter stages of pregnancy, when's it due? How many others do you have? How long will you take for maternity? None of their damn business, and don't touch me, or comment on how big or not big I am!!! Don't completely ignore my last pregnancy, and if you do mention it don't give me advise on coping with my emotions, or focussing on this new life now...Grrr. When I got pregnant I was so relieved, and then the rollercoaster began! When I first saw my rainbow on USS, I just sadly thought that it wasn't my angel, then sadly thought that it was sad that that was my first thought, I don't want rainbow to live in angel's shadow. the more you go along, you realise nothing and noone can complete your family. One is gone and that one won't come back. I've found that DS is one of the only places where I can be honest and try to find out who I am and what I believe. I haven't found anyone local to share anything with, maybe I just wanted to stay protected and safe being anomynous. But now I really want to have friends that have been through what I have, I want to feel free to speak out, to share things one to one... I'm looking for a group that isn't about counselling, but rather that is a friends group that can share life together with that understanding in the background of what each other experiences in life. Not talking about angel or our grief and going over and over it every week, but living life and being real together, in the knowledge that they know, really know that an angel affects everything, and will always be the empty space in every family photo.

i am so sorry you are feeling this way i lost my son in may 09 i felkt exactly how you did i just had to get pregnant right away and i did then miscarried then i did again and had my rainbow . but right after i had him it waqs like i ran into a brick wall. it wasnt how i expected to feel. although i love my rainbow so much it dosnt help that i dont have aiden even now i feel like i soud have another because now i feel like i should have 3 kids since aiden is not here. any ways my poiint is i think i will always feel and empty spot. but it is a personal choice to try again i guess i am glad we did. but you have to wait fdor your dh to be ready. he might just need more time to heal. guys grieve differntly.

thanks for posting mommas. Julybaby~ exactly! i feel like such a spectator in life. i dont feel involved in anything, most of the time i dont even want to be. I have no energy or drive to even BE. My DH and i are drifitng farther and farther apart too. this just isnt good, anyway you look at it. i thnk i am going to be rambling so i am heading to my journal to write my morning blah post. thanks for posting mommas and being so supportive. i really dont know where id be with out all of you ((either in a grave or a mental institute most likely))