I haven't been crying much lately but I've noticed that my sadness has turned into anger. It's like I can't be happy no matter what. I'm angry bc I cant even check my emails without being reminded of what week in my pregnancy I should be in bc I subscribed to all the websites about pregnancy, I'm mad bc I should have a little girl here with me, I'm mad bc my I wanted my son to have a little sister to protect. I hate myself for not holding her after she was born, all I can think is how lonely and scared she must have felt - even though she was not alive, I still feel like she must have been looking down from heaven saying "mommy hold me" and I didn't I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. Next week is my due date. Coincidently my due date is the day after my son's first birthday. It's going to be pretty hard to celebrate and be happy since deep down I know she would have been there with us. I would never wish this kind of pain/hurt on anybody but sometimes I wish my family/friends knew exactly how it feels. My son is still in infant so when I go to stores to get him stuff I can't avoid the baby section which makes it so much harder having to see all the pink dresses and cute outfits that I should be buying but I'm not. Life is so unfair and I hate that we have to be a part of this support group and I'm sick of hearing "everything happens for a reason" - I can't think of a good enough reason for taking my beautiful baby girl from me. I wish she was here with me I have so much love to give her.
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