The doctors discovered that my beautiful baby girl died in utero on August 13th, 2009. It also happened to be her daddy's birthday. I was almost 29 weeks pregnant. Her death wasn't a surprise. Two weeks prior to her death the doctors gave us the worst news you can give to excited, first time parents. There were too many complications. She was measuring 4 weeks smaller than what she should have been, there was very little amniotic fluid, resistance with the placenta...a recipe for disaster. I think that I actually heard my heart break into a million pieces. The doctors gave us three options, none of which provided us with a live, healthy baby. Option 1...be proactive and get a late term abortion, option 2, get a c-section and try to save the baby. If she were to survive the birth, she'd have a 20% chance of survival and be severly handicapped, or option 3, wait for the inevitable to happen. Option three, although morbid, was the best option for me as far as my health and future pregnancies. The doctors said she would live for another week or two, the most. I continued to go to my weekly OB visits. My baby's heartbeat sounded so strong every time. Listening to it was heart wrenching. I also went for weekly ultrasounds. She was still holding on. When we went for the second one last Thursday, she was gone. I had no idea what was going on. No one says anything. You just notice all of the commotion around you. The nurses wanted to admit me to labor and delivery that night. I refused. I didn't want my boyfriend to spend his birthday in the hospital. The memory of losing his daughter on his 32nd birthday will last him a lifetime. I wanted him to have a good time for a few hours, as hard as it was to do that. We were admitted to the hospital the next morning. Labor was induced and after 8 hours of pain, our little Olvia Grace was born at 443pm. It's hard to believe that she had so much wrong with her. Although she was tiny, only 1lb 6oz, she was perfect. She was beautiful. She had so much hair and lips just like her daddy. I held her and told her that I loved her. It all happened so fast. I felt like I only had her in my arms for a second before they whisked her away to the nursery. The doctor said that in addition to the problems we saw prior to Olivia's birth, the umbilical cord was wrapped so tightly around her neck and the placenta was very small. For 6 and a half months everything was okay. The pregnancy was progressing fine. Then, all of a sudden, my world comes crashing down. How do I deal with that? I am so incredibly heartbroken and sad. I miss her so much. I'm so upset that we had to let her go. I know that it is selfish to want her here with me, but I do. It is so hard to go through labor and giving birth and not have a baby to bring home. I'm trying to convince myself that her presence in our lives, although brief, had a purpose. Before Olivia came along, things were not great. It took a while to accept the idea of being a "family", but once we did, everything was different. We were different. She put things into perspective for us. We thought we weren't ready, but we realized that a family is what we want. Being so close to have it taken away is devastating. We were just buying furniture for the nursery 3 weeks ago. I still can't believe it. So here I am, 9 days after the still birth of my first baby, not knowing what to do with or how to express the pain that I am feeling inside. Everyone goes back to normal. This was just "a little interruption" in everyone's summer. I can't pretend as if it didn't happen, as if she didn't exist. I want to mourn her. I need to grieve. I need to cry. I feel like I'm missing a piece of me. Everyone has resumed their normal daily activities, but I don't know how. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to have to explain my story to anyone. I think about doing things, but I'm not motivated. I just want to be left alone. Things that would usually make me happy, such as being around children, doesn't do it for me anymore. I know that it's not their fault, but I don't want to be reminded of the fact that I don't have a baby. I wanted my baby. I was nervous and wondered if I had what it took to be a good mom, but I loved my baby from the moment I knew she was growing inside me. I did everything right. I did everything the doctors told me to do. I went for what seemed like every prenatal test invented. The results always came back normal. How does that change from one moment to the next? The worst part about all of this is that there are no answers. There is nothing that can be said that will make me feel better about losing Olivia. I wonder if she felt the love we had for her, if she heard our voices, if she heard me talking to her...she was already a part of everyone's lives. Her nickname was Breezy...for a while we thought that would be her real name because we couldn't decide. everyone was anxiously waiting for Breezy's debut. She already had friends, clothes, and toys. All that's left is an empty room and a few broken hearts.
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