Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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Desperately need support

I have been drawn to this group over and over again in my frantic search for someone to help me through this pain. I've looked in vain for grief counselors, someone caring on the other end of the phone who can give me real answers on how to deal with this. I check my email and the mailbox everyday, hoping for some uplifting note or words of encouragement. But it's been almost a month now and the cards and letters have stopped. Everyone is back to their lives, and I am left with the reality that is our life now.

I have a wonderful husband, two great kids still with us and many wonderful family members and friends who are only a phone call away. But I don't want to burden them with this pain anymore, and yet it feels like it's getting worse. My little Lena brings me tissues and tries to make me smile when my tears come, but the tears just won't stop and I feel so guilty for being so sad all the time for her.

We lost our baby girl Gianna Lynne on April 15, 2009. Just a routine visit at the high risk OB, first time I had gone without my dear husband because everything had been looking wonderful. (Was seeing a high risk OB because my quad screen had come back positive, high alpha feta protein. But all looked good, no Downs, no spina bifida, no problems at all.) I hadn't felt her all that much in recent days, but that was becoming the norm for this pregnancy. Had in fact been in to see my regular OB a few times due to lack of movement. And every time, there she was, just fine. Still, I watched the doc carefully and watched her on the screen as he started the ultrasound. Three measurements, then the unthinkable.

Doc: "When did you last feel the baby move?"
Me: "This morning, I think. I don't feel her a whole lot. Is there a problem?"
Doc: "Yes, I'm not seeing any movement."
Me: "Is there a heartbeat?"
Doc: "No."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Doc: "Yes."

She died from a cerebral hemorrhage. We took Gianna's birth for granted, never thinking in a million years she would not live. You skip past all that when reading about risks and things that could happen. I had been so sick the whole 7 months, I foolishly figured that since I was so sick it wasn't possible she was anything but healthly.

I feel the grief wanting to completely overtake me. Yet, I read your stories and can see some hope, some light at the end of this very dark tunnel. Perhaps I will make it back to the light. The question is, how?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

The question is how; and the answer, I think, is to talk about her as much as you want. I'm in your shoes in that once the cards stopped, I didn't want to be a burden to the other people who had gone on with their lives. So I come here, and I talk about my Leo, and my grief, and my resentment towards my old doctor, and my panic at seeing pregnant women, and on and on and on!

I'm so sorry you lost your precious Gianna Lynne. I don't think there's anything I could say to make you feel better. In fact, I'm not even going to try. So I'll just cry with you...
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so very sorry for your loss. I think that many of us experienced that exact scenario that you outlined in your post. I thought the doctor was joking and just really serious or that I had fallen down the frickin rabbit hole- or that I was floating above my body!!! I was literally screaming and begging them to resusitate him. Screaming in the maternity ward- must have been so frightening to the mothers next door!!!!Stillbirth is unbelievable- my doctor had recited a warning to me and I didn't even think those words would apply to me- because I was planning a homebirth. I thought everything would turn out just fine. I think after reading your post I have to write that I remember feeling so badly in the first month, and the second month and that each day was so horrible! I think it is a building process of wellness and you will find what works for you and so the very best you can to get through each day. I have grief every day but it is at least bearable. Today I wanted to cling to his picture and the blanket that the hospital gave me. I know in my heart it is not him. I only have my memories of when he was alive.Sometimes in private I let grief overtake me- I cry and cry and for me it works. I think you must find what works for you- it may be something physical like journaling or making a special book of her life- or talking or whatever do what ever you have to- I believe you can make it- I feel like I am getting a little tiny bit better it just takes time.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I read this and I feel my feelings all over again. I know these horrible feelings. I feel desperate for attention every minute of everyday. I am overtaken with grief and peole dont understand. Take care and know there are some people that understand...Jodi
tommy7
tommy7

Oh Gosh, I'm so sorry. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The feelings of grief are terrible but are a normal part of the process. I struggle with it too everyday. I just started seeing a counselor this week after 3 weeks of loosing my baby. I think she is going to be really helpful. It might be helpful for you as well. They can help you get through the grief and help you to start feeling better. I know I can't do it all by myself. Hang in there and let it out as much as you need too.
Take Care,
Liz
luvmyangelc
luvmyangelc

Oh I am so sorry for your loss. QUite honestly, I still haven't even come close to making it back to normal, and its been almost 5 months for me. I understand the feeling about everyone getting on with their lives and you are left in the dust. When I found this support group it has saved my life because here, everyone understands. Nothing is off limits. I am sorry that you had to find us, but hopefully we can help you in your grieving. Hugs, allison
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am in your shoes too. I lost my Angel, Audrey Taylor, on May 5th. At 10:40 pm it will officially be 3 days since I delivered my Angel into Heaven. I sit here now a broken person. Dying inside. Wondering why this happened to me. Wondering why this happened to my baby. Wondering if I'll ever pick myself up. I have a 2.5 year old little girl that I am trying to be strong for but inside it's killing me. Monday is my Angel's funeral service and all I can think of is how am I going to get through this. This (((HUG))) is from the bottom of my heart.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh ladies, thank you so much for such a warm welcome and support. No one else really knows. Your stories break my heart, but help me in knowing so many others have walked this path and are surviving.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter Lily Raine at 39 weeks on 2/28/09. You have come to the right place. These mother's are absolutly amazing and are so supportive. I have found it so helpful just to talk about Lily. I talk about her everyday and it has been about 10 weeks since she has been gone. I talk to everyone and whether I'm burdening them with my grief isn't really a thought in my head. If they are my real friends, they will listen and let me vent. I'm in counseling right now and that has helped so much. Between counseling and DS I have found some light in a very dark tunnel and I'm confident you will too. Your daughter's name is beautiful by the way. I'm here if you need anything. Hugs-Heather
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. This should not happen to anyone, and until it does I think most of us are guilty of never imagining the unthinkable.
I am 6 weeks in to this today after delivering my Tristan at 27 weeks. We found out at 20 weeks he had a slight birth defect. I'm not sure the two are connected in any way but I concentrated so much on how to deal with his issue once he was born ect.. it never occured to me I might loose him all together.
Speak your thougths here on this site, it really does help to get feedback from all the wonderful people here who are feeling or have felt just as you are...
Glad you found us.-Amanda
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place for support. The ladies on this site are great.

I lost my Nicholas on 11/10 at 39 weeks due to a cord accident. My world shattered. There many stages of grieving, I am not sure what part I am up to, but time does help heal your wound. I have read a couple of books and posted/journalled here and that has help me a lot through this nightmare. Be kind to yourself. ((hugs)) Amy
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