Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
I've posted here a couple of other times and I am seriously concerned. What I'm about to share with you is absolutely considered abuse by many. If necessary please feel free to read my journal as the past few weeks have just been incredibly challenging for me and I hope someone here can give me some advice.
--From my journal 10-17-07. I'm going to rant for a minute or two. What is healthy detachment? I've been hearing a lot about how I dissociate and so, studying up on that a bit, I've come to the realization that as one counselor once said to me a few months ago, "It's like these so called educated people are preaching to the choir and you'd just like to say, erm, Hello---No shit sherlock!"
Should I not want to dissociate from liars. I don't want to hang around people that are easily angered, manipulative and controlling. I've worked too hard at learning to set acceptable boundaries and be okay with who I am. In understanding that I'm not in charge of any one else's happiness, only mine, I'm frustrated that Justice is not being served in circumstances that surround me, and I know I'm not the ONLY one! Sure I want to see people content, happy, but not at my expense or a child's expense of spirit and soul! I simply can't stand it when any other human being stands by and casts stones from their houses made of glass. I can't stand it even more when the Judicial system gives permission for such manipulative, threatening tactics and those hired to do a "JOB" paid for by my tax dollars, PLUS fees, sit on their thumbs, not following the written laws and allowing another to abuse a father's rights-even civil rights to question why and hold in contempt a viscious, verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive parent. People that are witness to her inappropriate behaviors say nothing. They don't even READ her nasty, domineering, controlling emails. They don't listen to her spew off, in the courtroom---the numerous violations of her contacting/receiving emails from a psychiatrist that is again by law, suppose to be objective and non-partial and how she discussed private information that she is NOT privillaged to???? Hubby paid his GAL fee's and she still bitches and moans and tries to prevent him from being able to have "relationship" time with his children and makes another scene!! When are these people going to WAKE THE HELL UP??? Even the friggin police told us two years ago that she was a flippin nut, barking up the wrong tree with her false accusations and threats.....yet we are forced to suffer through this utter disgrace of imbalance that SHE created for 7 people??? I don't know why laws are even written, amended, referred to......they're not enforced, they are constantly being toyed with and manipulated. I keep trying to remind myself that GOD is my justifier and my avenger, all things that are meant for my harm, he will turn into good. This is out of my hands, I can't control it, but yet I "shouldn't" speak up or say anything either? I just can't take much more of the ignorance and turning of blind eyes. Pray for me and for children that have to witness such sick behavior, while our Judicial system scratch their heads and tolerate perjury.
*more events took place two days later--see public journal entry...
Thanks for any advice
--From my journal 10-17-07. I'm going to rant for a minute or two. What is healthy detachment? I've been hearing a lot about how I dissociate and so, studying up on that a bit, I've come to the realization that as one counselor once said to me a few months ago, "It's like these so called educated people are preaching to the choir and you'd just like to say, erm, Hello---No shit sherlock!"
Should I not want to dissociate from liars. I don't want to hang around people that are easily angered, manipulative and controlling. I've worked too hard at learning to set acceptable boundaries and be okay with who I am. In understanding that I'm not in charge of any one else's happiness, only mine, I'm frustrated that Justice is not being served in circumstances that surround me, and I know I'm not the ONLY one! Sure I want to see people content, happy, but not at my expense or a child's expense of spirit and soul! I simply can't stand it when any other human being stands by and casts stones from their houses made of glass. I can't stand it even more when the Judicial system gives permission for such manipulative, threatening tactics and those hired to do a "JOB" paid for by my tax dollars, PLUS fees, sit on their thumbs, not following the written laws and allowing another to abuse a father's rights-even civil rights to question why and hold in contempt a viscious, verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive parent. People that are witness to her inappropriate behaviors say nothing. They don't even READ her nasty, domineering, controlling emails. They don't listen to her spew off, in the courtroom---the numerous violations of her contacting/receiving emails from a psychiatrist that is again by law, suppose to be objective and non-partial and how she discussed private information that she is NOT privillaged to???? Hubby paid his GAL fee's and she still bitches and moans and tries to prevent him from being able to have "relationship" time with his children and makes another scene!! When are these people going to WAKE THE HELL UP??? Even the friggin police told us two years ago that she was a flippin nut, barking up the wrong tree with her false accusations and threats.....yet we are forced to suffer through this utter disgrace of imbalance that SHE created for 7 people??? I don't know why laws are even written, amended, referred to......they're not enforced, they are constantly being toyed with and manipulated. I keep trying to remind myself that GOD is my justifier and my avenger, all things that are meant for my harm, he will turn into good. This is out of my hands, I can't control it, but yet I "shouldn't" speak up or say anything either? I just can't take much more of the ignorance and turning of blind eyes. Pray for me and for children that have to witness such sick behavior, while our Judicial system scratch their heads and tolerate perjury.
*more events took place two days later--see public journal entry...
Thanks for any advice
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Are you battling battles that can't be won?
When you do choose a battle are you taking it one step at a time and counting that small victory instead of trying to win the war with one fell blow?
Are you willing to leave this life when your time comes knowing you did some good while here? Or are you going to lament the fact that some wrongs still exist?
And always will.
While your DH's ex may make life miserable for you at times in a sense you are allowing her to do so. I'm sorry...but people only have as much control as you give them. I would guess that for whatever reason your DH's ex has a need to maintain a relationship or sort and does so through manipulative ways.
Questions?
Oh, did you and she ever get into it? Why would she press tresspassing charges if you were in the drive way?
Does your DH have a parenting plan? If not get one!
My recommendation is this...1st if you can help it stay away from the woman. Do not speak to her via the phone, email, or in person. Do not engage her at all. If for some reasonshe calls and starts in on you or wants to discuss something with you politely tell her that she will need to speak to DH about matters concerning the children.
2. Get child support deducted from your DH's paycheck and sent through the state. This will eliminate the opportunity for the state or her to cause problems for lack of payment. I would guess that the information can even be checked online. My DH has his child support deducted from his check and sent to the state. It has come in handy a couple times...
3. Speak to an attorney about your husbands rights. What she is doing is harrassment.
4. More important than anything document every phone call, every letter, everything you buy, everything. This is extremely time consumming, but it is very helpful. We started doing that with my DH's ex and she has backed off quite a bit because she know's he's paying attention.
Have your DH get on the good side of every teacher, principle, coach, church leader or any other person involved in their lives. He needs to be able to show support and interest.
All of this will take time, but trust me...if you establish some ground rules things will get better eventually.
Also, the ground rules will help you define what you have control over.
1. We never got into it. Infact she called me on the phone about 3 months after we started dating and asked if she could speak to me. My husband got an attorney, to which he stated, "Your children are in danger of parental allienation". We've documented so much over the past two years it's completely ignored. The attorney then tells DH that he needs to pay more $$$ that we could not afford. There were no threats on our part, dh asked that child support be reviewed because he hadn't ever done this in over ten years. It's been through the system and taken from his pay checks since 1999. She blows a gasget at the mere fact, it's finally going to be proven that she is making 10 times more than she was 65k-and has the nerve to bitch how she can't survive when he got laid off? Then on pick up starts screaming at dh infront of the kids. I stood up from inside the car and said, "Hey guys not infront of the kids". She slams the door and the next day sends out the "trespassing threat letter", that again the cops said she's barking up the wrong tree. When she has called here ranting and raving, I've passed the phone off to dh to which she yelled at him and hangs up, then calls back 3 minutes later. The last time almost 2 years ago now, after the 5th time of the phone ringing, I told her that dh did not wish to continue to receive her verbal threats and she would have to calm down or call back at another time. This got turned into-She won't let me talk to my children's father. The prior attorney told us to record everything...we have audio of her screaming at him, infront of the kids and willingly leaving messages on our answering machine that were very threatening. While attending soccer games, or school functions she pulled the children away from dh asking the kids how they are doing and while talking to one of the teachers, she stood there and stated, "It's supervised visitation only, she is to have NOTHING to do with these children." It's obnoxious and abusive and it all goes ignored. What a bunch a crap......I know what my boundaries are, and I know the laws. She has no right to tell us how my husband and I are going run our home. Unfortunately some people are simply put, "control freaks" don't know how to let go and are allowed to dismiss the written parenting agreements & laws.
I'll say it again. Choose your battles. Do you really think that teacher she yelled at about you thinks you're a bad person?
Take the high road.
http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk/poetry/rudyard-kipling.html
Or google "If Kipling".
Legal threats, yelling, screaming won't work with that type of person (at least it doesn't with my DH's ex.) I spoke to my husbands attorney this morning about some threats that she has been making and his only solution was to bring it up during the hearing this month. He also asked if the kids wanted to live with their dad and if so he wondered if there was enough to ask for a change in custody. (Right now they have joint, but she is the physical custodian.) So the solution? I'm sorry, I don't know. I'm right there with you in a similar situation. I have been reading a good book called Father's Rights. It has some basic information, but at the same time offeres some great strategies on how to deal. The guy who wrote it is an attorney and has been for many years working on fathers rights.
Oh, that would be my only other suggestion...see if you can find a different attorney. I know it's expensive, but sometimes there isn't any other option. We choose ours, becuase he was my fathers (unfortunately, my mom pulled some of the same stuff when we were children) and he's a no BS kind of guy. He goes with was the law is and doesn't get messed up with all the other garbage. Sometimes, it's hard because he doesn't get "fix" the situation, but it's helping us to figure out what is worth fighting over and what isn't.
Good Luck.
Take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone. My DH's ex is very similar and its quite tragic that this is how she has decided to mother.
Here is what I've learned from my situation -
The insane/irrational need to control at all cost comes from a deep self-loathing and belief that she is unlovable. You are loved by the man who's love for her ended. You are her worst fear/deepest insecurity personified.
There is really nothing you can do ( without hurting the kids) but get the best lawyer you can afford or do a h**l of alot of research and documentation.
What you do have to do is not let her sickness become your own. The only power you have, is to accept that you have none and not be angry.
Now, could someone email this to me next week when my DH's crazy ex pulls another stunt?