Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
Hi all,
Doh, I just posted my topic to single parenting and not step families...that's how tired I am!!
This is the first time I've done one of these so apologies for the length (not sure if there's some standard way of doing this!!)
I'm feeling pretty misearble at the moment and I'm wondering if there is anyone who can give me advice or who is in a similar situation.
I love my partner dearly and we have been together now for almost a year. He has a beautiful litle girl and we get on amazingly. My partner does not have residency but has regular contact (although we would like more). We have been seeing each other for a year and during this time he has been through an horrendous custody battle and I have supported him through this. This has now all been settled but nevertheless his ex wife is still being incredibly difficullt and cruel. She is using their little girl to hurt him but in the process their little girl is becoming desperatley upset. Seriously, if i told you half the stuff she had done you wouldn't believe it; her actions include stopping contact because apparently my partner had beaten me up in front of his little girl; tried to get him arrested and telling their little girl that "daddy was going to die in prison and you'd never see him again; telling the doctors, nursery etc not not release any information to my partner about their daughter....and on..and on (the list is endless). She's so controlling with their time together, like phone calls only on a wed and friday for 10 mins. I mean, it's his daughter too!! We are confronted with her unnecessary behaviuor practically every week and it is weraing us both down.
Obviously, my partner is very down about all of this and we are both very concerned about his daughter. She tells us that she wants to live with us and that her mummy doesn't like her. She asks him if he thinks about her when she is not with us and that just breaks his heart. It really is so horrid at the moment. He's become so focused on his little girl (which is understandable) but also on his ex wife due to her behaviour and I'm feeling pushed out (which i know sounds so melodramatic)
The thing is I can't see it getting any better, I mean, this has been going on for a year and his ex is still being the same. The trouble is I'm starting to get very down about it and about our future. My partner tells me that because of what he's going through he does not want anymore children bevause he's scared it'll happen to him again (he has two other children that he doesn't see anymore because a similar thing happened to him with his first wife). As much as I try to convince myself that it's ok, I'm really worried about it. At the moment I don't want children, I'm 25 and doing a PhD (my partner is 33 for those who are asking). I know he loves me and that he means it when he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but yet he doesn't want to have a child with the person he loves. I understand what he's saying, but god, it really hurts.
I'm also worried about our future. He's very much tied to where he lives because of his daughter. I suggest to go to places for a holiday and he says "it depends on what is hapeneing with my little girl." It would be nice to hear, "yeah, that'd be really great, but I'd need to check dates so that i don't miss contact." I mean, his ex is so petty that if he needed to change a contact day she'd refuse and just say that he'd have to miss seeing her so I know it's hard to just go away and change the day he sees his little girl. I suppose I'm worried about when I finish my PhD. That could take me anywhere and I know that my partner wouldn't come, not until his daughter was old enough to say she wanted to live with us.
I suppose, in a word, I'm feeling very unloved and unsupported when I've been helping him all this time. He says that he needs time to find himself again, which I understand, but I just don't know how to cheer up and just get on with things. I love his daughter dearly but she'll never be my child and I'm just finding the constant tug-o-war battle between him and his ex very trying and I'm tired of it. His mum has now started custody proceedings to have her own contact so I suppose things are really going to escalate.
When he has his little girl all of his attention is on her..and..hang on before you're all start screaming at the screen. This is totally fine and expected (i'd be rather worried if his attention wasn't on his daughter), but when we don't have her he is either upset and sad because he misses her (again understandable), is angry because his ex has said or done something, or is stressed because his ex is doing something. So, it feels we never really get "our time," so I suppose all of our life is centered his ex - I suppose she controls us in a way and I know she keeps pushing and pushing so that either we break up or so he turns around and says "that's it, you can have our daughter and can go back to your country to live" (his ex is not originally from the Uk and since the beginning has tried to take their daughter back to her country - even trying to do a runner at one point). His ex really cannot stand tha fact that their daughter wants to be with her daddy.
Crikey, this really is getting long now - sorry everyone!! Anyway, is there anyone out there who is or has experienced similar situations? Or, are you a parent who is experiencing something similar - maybe you could tell me so that i could understand better listening to an outsider? I know there's not just us going through this and worse things are happening right under our noses but i really don't have anyone to talk to. I've tried talking to my family but they are very biased, understandably so because they are my family. Equally, i can't talk to my friends for the same reason. I have spoken to my partner and he says that he doesn't want to lose me but understands if i want to leave. THAT is NOT what i want to do. My family say that I'm too giving and that i have been incredibly patient for such a long time but what i am doing is beyond the call of duty, that i cannot sacrifice myself for another human being.
Heck, I'm just struggling at the momenet to think positive and it'd be nice to hear back from someone about how they are feeling/felt.
Thanks for taking your time out to listen to my moany blog - much appreciated.
Hope you all stay perky and be happy at least sometimes during the day!!!! :)
x x x x
Doh, I just posted my topic to single parenting and not step families...that's how tired I am!!
This is the first time I've done one of these so apologies for the length (not sure if there's some standard way of doing this!!)
I'm feeling pretty misearble at the moment and I'm wondering if there is anyone who can give me advice or who is in a similar situation.
I love my partner dearly and we have been together now for almost a year. He has a beautiful litle girl and we get on amazingly. My partner does not have residency but has regular contact (although we would like more). We have been seeing each other for a year and during this time he has been through an horrendous custody battle and I have supported him through this. This has now all been settled but nevertheless his ex wife is still being incredibly difficullt and cruel. She is using their little girl to hurt him but in the process their little girl is becoming desperatley upset. Seriously, if i told you half the stuff she had done you wouldn't believe it; her actions include stopping contact because apparently my partner had beaten me up in front of his little girl; tried to get him arrested and telling their little girl that "daddy was going to die in prison and you'd never see him again; telling the doctors, nursery etc not not release any information to my partner about their daughter....and on..and on (the list is endless). She's so controlling with their time together, like phone calls only on a wed and friday for 10 mins. I mean, it's his daughter too!! We are confronted with her unnecessary behaviuor practically every week and it is weraing us both down.
Obviously, my partner is very down about all of this and we are both very concerned about his daughter. She tells us that she wants to live with us and that her mummy doesn't like her. She asks him if he thinks about her when she is not with us and that just breaks his heart. It really is so horrid at the moment. He's become so focused on his little girl (which is understandable) but also on his ex wife due to her behaviour and I'm feeling pushed out (which i know sounds so melodramatic)
The thing is I can't see it getting any better, I mean, this has been going on for a year and his ex is still being the same. The trouble is I'm starting to get very down about it and about our future. My partner tells me that because of what he's going through he does not want anymore children bevause he's scared it'll happen to him again (he has two other children that he doesn't see anymore because a similar thing happened to him with his first wife). As much as I try to convince myself that it's ok, I'm really worried about it. At the moment I don't want children, I'm 25 and doing a PhD (my partner is 33 for those who are asking). I know he loves me and that he means it when he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but yet he doesn't want to have a child with the person he loves. I understand what he's saying, but god, it really hurts.
I'm also worried about our future. He's very much tied to where he lives because of his daughter. I suggest to go to places for a holiday and he says "it depends on what is hapeneing with my little girl." It would be nice to hear, "yeah, that'd be really great, but I'd need to check dates so that i don't miss contact." I mean, his ex is so petty that if he needed to change a contact day she'd refuse and just say that he'd have to miss seeing her so I know it's hard to just go away and change the day he sees his little girl. I suppose I'm worried about when I finish my PhD. That could take me anywhere and I know that my partner wouldn't come, not until his daughter was old enough to say she wanted to live with us.
I suppose, in a word, I'm feeling very unloved and unsupported when I've been helping him all this time. He says that he needs time to find himself again, which I understand, but I just don't know how to cheer up and just get on with things. I love his daughter dearly but she'll never be my child and I'm just finding the constant tug-o-war battle between him and his ex very trying and I'm tired of it. His mum has now started custody proceedings to have her own contact so I suppose things are really going to escalate.
When he has his little girl all of his attention is on her..and..hang on before you're all start screaming at the screen. This is totally fine and expected (i'd be rather worried if his attention wasn't on his daughter), but when we don't have her he is either upset and sad because he misses her (again understandable), is angry because his ex has said or done something, or is stressed because his ex is doing something. So, it feels we never really get "our time," so I suppose all of our life is centered his ex - I suppose she controls us in a way and I know she keeps pushing and pushing so that either we break up or so he turns around and says "that's it, you can have our daughter and can go back to your country to live" (his ex is not originally from the Uk and since the beginning has tried to take their daughter back to her country - even trying to do a runner at one point). His ex really cannot stand tha fact that their daughter wants to be with her daddy.
Crikey, this really is getting long now - sorry everyone!! Anyway, is there anyone out there who is or has experienced similar situations? Or, are you a parent who is experiencing something similar - maybe you could tell me so that i could understand better listening to an outsider? I know there's not just us going through this and worse things are happening right under our noses but i really don't have anyone to talk to. I've tried talking to my family but they are very biased, understandably so because they are my family. Equally, i can't talk to my friends for the same reason. I have spoken to my partner and he says that he doesn't want to lose me but understands if i want to leave. THAT is NOT what i want to do. My family say that I'm too giving and that i have been incredibly patient for such a long time but what i am doing is beyond the call of duty, that i cannot sacrifice myself for another human being.
Heck, I'm just struggling at the momenet to think positive and it'd be nice to hear back from someone about how they are feeling/felt.
Thanks for taking your time out to listen to my moany blog - much appreciated.
Hope you all stay perky and be happy at least sometimes during the day!!!! :)
x x x x
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
All I can tell you is that you REALLY need to search your heart on this one. It could get better if the ex ever gets involved with someone else but right now...she is doing her best to make y'all miserable and she's getting EXACTLY what she wants.
It totally sucks when the parents use the child as a "pawn" or "weapon" of sorts against the other. Who gets hurt the most? The child.
This WILL be a long road and I myself said MANY times if I knew then what I know now...I would have NEVER married my hubby. NOt just because of his kids...but because of a HORRID sexual abuse situation that untimately involved my infant grandaughter. Things are better today...there is ONE child left in the house but little respect for me even though I am the "Mom" persay due to a court order BANNING the bio Mom from ANY contact.
One thing...you sound like you want kids in time. If your hubby is being serious on NOT wanting kids...you have an issue that needs decided on. He may change his mind in time but you will ALWAYS be dealing with the child and ex. And sometimes spouses feel THEIR children come first...OVER you.
To me, you sound like you are questioning a LOT and at your age you have plenty of time to restart your life should you choose to pull out. And be aware that whether it you or another woman...the ex is going to stay ugly and bitter with whoever he's involved with.
This road is NOT rosy. We ended up taking kids I had NO plans on raising FULL time and I began this road at 40 yrs. old after raising my own 2.
I pray everything becomes clear to what you need to do. Try to look into your "future" and see what you are and AREN'T willing to deal with. The pros and cons and this may give you the answers you seek.
Blessings to you.
many thanks for your reply...although I'm hearing things I don't want to...sob sob!!!
The thing is his ex already has a partner but she's still set to destry his life.
His child is only 3 and a half and so she is been through a hell of a lot. I don't want to sound biased but when we have her we just make sure she's having fun but from what she tells us she seems very unhappy and troubled when she goes back to her mum's and that kills us both, knowing that we can't do anything about that.
I suppose there is a lot of soul seraching to be done, for the pair of us. I know i love him dearly and I've got some fight left in me, albeit small.
Thanks for your kind words
Take care
I'd like to think that I'd be able to involve his child so much that she wouldn't get jealous. In terms of me being jealous, I can honestly say that I never have been about anuything and I don't see me getting jealous over his daughter. Yes, it is difficult sometimes and at the moment things are so bad with his ex controlling our lives that it is incredibly difficult.
I really don't see the point in getting jealous though. Suppose i get that from my good old mum...she's never been jealous about anything either.
Don't you sometimes wish you had a crystal ball...or perhaps just a van load of chocolat eto munch your way through!!
It sounds like you're having a nightmare too!! His ex is so crazy and so uncompromising, it really is ridiculous.
But it's nice to hear that you're still coping and that gives me some hope. All I keep thinking is that i truly love him and what he's going thorugh isn't excatly his fault is it. So, to walk out on him wouldn't be right or fair, but I'm not thinking of doing that anyway.
To be honest, I'm only 25 so I don't want kids now but I think I do when I'm older. He tells me that his mind might change and maybe mine will too.
I think we're just both so exhausted over what his ex is doing and I'm so fed up with her controlling our every movement that our relationship/focus in life has just become so clouded.
It's really lovely to have people out there who will take their time out to listen and get back to me. It really is helping and i really do appreciate what everyone is writing.
You too much have a big heart. It takes a special person to take on someone else's child (well, so i keep getting told but i don't feel very special)
Being the "other" person is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do. The only advice I can give you is to ask yourself...is your partner worth it? You also have to keep in perspective that given the situation his life is going to focus on his daugter as it should. She needs her dad and you more than anything right now.
If you find that your partner is worth it...then find a "safe" haven for you. Establish some boundaries because really you can't fix the situation. You can only be there to be supportive. Ask your partner for 1 hour a night where it's just about you two. If you can maybe you can take some of the burden off of him. I would bet that he's so emotinally drained at the moment that he doesn't have time for himself let alone maintaining a relationship. So this is where stand by your man comes into play. Eventually, the crap will stop either because his daughter will grow or because the courts will make it stop. Speaking of which does he have an attorney?
Just take a deep breath and find some peace for yourself and you'll be surprised how much more you are able to deal with the situation.
Good Luck!
some very wise words.
I know that he is emotionally drained and he really doesn't have time for anything right now. I suppose it's bad of me to be so upset and show that infront of him, i don't think he can deal with it and I feel really bad about that. But it's also been a really tiring year for me too, i know it's his daughter but while he is worrying baout his daughter I'm worrying about both him and his daughter.
It was settled in court in May but she's still playing games. He actually represented himself and did really well. I don't think his ex will stop until he is totally destroyed. She wants to go back to her home country and for him to have nothing to do with their daughter. I could cope with her nastiness but when it's every week and I MEAN every week it just gets you fed up.
I honestly don't know how she gotten away with half the things she has done. I suppose we'll just have to wait until his little girl is old enough for the courts to hear that she wants to be with her dad. She already tells us that. It's so sad though, last week she told us that her mummy didn't like her and that she wanted her daddy to come and get her. She also asked him if he ever tought of her when she wasn't with him..he broke down there and then.
Thanks for your help. It's nice hear it.