Step Families Support Group

Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.

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What don't they GET?!!

AnneL
AnneL
Hi I'm new to this community but should have joined it a long time ago. I guess my story for today as the rest is just too long to go into right now is that I have a stepson with no boundaries. He brings friends over whenever he likes. He doesn't inform anyone, particularly me before he does this or makes plans. This was supposed to be a 'family day' as my husband was to have a day off from a p/t job he's picked up but he decides to tell me at 2.30 that he's going to work a few hours this evening. I now have a stepson running around who might just show up with 5 other boys and a husband who doesn't understand why I'm angry. It's $22-30 that he'll earn over these hours he could have spent with me. I'm just very frustrated. Am I just overreacting? (this isn't a new pattern as my stepsons behavior doesn't bother his Dad) Thanks everybody.
(Yes. I've been with this child since he was 8, he's now 15. I've been with my husband for 7 years). Again, thank you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand why you are angry and I do not think you are overreacting. When I was first married to my husband, he started taking up some classes at college. I didnt understand because the classes he was taking only took time away from everythingnone of them were furthering his career. I was then left to take care of his uncontrollable 8 year old son. I felt like I was the nanny because I had no voice in anything his son didI just watched him.

Anyway, your step son NEEDS to have some boundaries and your husband needs to help. Your step son seems to be testing how far he can go and it will only get worse if you do nothing. The problem is if you and your husband arent in agreement over this your step son will know and will walk all over you. Even though your husband is ok with his sons behavior, he should take your frustrations and concerns in consideration and you and your husband need to come up with some kind of compromise. Good luck! You are not alone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Is this a step teen problem or just a teen problem.
I think you should just put your foot down. When he arrives with unwanted friends tell the friends that must leave.
And make sure your tone of voice is appropriate.
AnneL
AnneL
I'm not really 'allowed' to discipline Tom as his Dad wants him this to be an 'open house' even if that means I want quiet time or want the option of having a bunch of kids over. Honestly, I think we're headed into teen trouble. You'll see my next question.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You're not disciplining the kid. You're choosing to not associate with his friends. It's your house you have the right to do that.
If the father allows him to do what he pleases regardless of your feelings your problem is not with the son.
AnneL
AnneL
I honestly believe that the problem is now a three-pronged problem. A few years ago I did discipline Tom but that was met with much resistance from him and my husband. We've been to marital counseling over this for 2 years. Basically, I was given a choice to either come up with rules that both my husband and I could agree on or I just step back and let Hugh do the parenting. I chose to do the latter because Hugh and I can't even compromise over what Tom can and can't do. I know what you're saying. I guess I feel undermined by both of them as Tom is 15. I have said many times that I have no idea what my role is in this family to no avail. It's extremely frustrating.
deleted_user
deleted_user
U are not over reacting, of course u should be upset, U r the one taking care of them, hearing them cleaning after them, and where is your husband well went to work for a few hours. Men do not let them bother them because the men can have an escape route where us women can not. You hang in there and stick up for yourself, as I have learned no one else will, and there kids are always right. Good luck! Amy36
deleted_user
deleted_user
I went through a similar situation. It creates the good cop/bad cop thing. My partner is a very ineffective, permissive parent. We finally went to counseling. The bottom line is that I had to agree to step back on the parenting and really only speak up when things impacted me. Since this impacts you, you have every right to say something. Your husbands needs to learn how to provided a united front on things like this. You're not overreacting. Like others have said, your stepson is being a teen and testing the boundaries, it's up to the adults to establish some healthly limits and respect for everyone in the home.
deleted_user
deleted_user
you no i now what your going through.i think because there fathers are so soft on them and there mothers dont think much of us that our worries mean nothing we just have to deal with it..well girl its your home your rules and we only say thing because we care..its just such a big adjustment and men just dont seam to worry like we do our worries are winging to them..
deleted_user
deleted_user
This all reminds me of when people go out to eat or something, only to have the evening ruined by obnoxious brats, while the parents sit by doing nothing. And if anyone asks them why they don't control their children, why what a rude, terrible busybody they are to interfere! We are married to that parent! We live in that restaurant!!!!
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