My mother in law from my first marriage was a nightmare, it took us 10yrs to work things out and become friends. My husband had to stand up to his mother for me, he had chose not to hear the ugly things she said and I had our preacher speak to him. he told him, "A man leaves his mother and father and creates his own family and you are responsible for protecting your wife." My ex and I divorced after 20yrs and she is still a good friend but still tries to interfere occasionally.
I have remarried and the same crazy stuff is happening all over again with this husband. What is it w/ Moms and their grown sons anyway?

I don't have a bad relationship with a mother-in-law to tell you about because mine was really good to me until she passed away a couple of months ago, but in her heart, she really believed that the children (my stepchildren) should consider me the mom while they were in my home, rather than always talking about how their mother did things a certain way. My father-in-law also believed that the children should see me as that. They still had relationships with ex's because they did not judge the reasons for the divorce. Once a person was in the family, they believed that whatever reasons the couples had for not being together was not for them to judge, so everyone stayed in the family. It made for some hurt feelings sometimes, but I can understand why they did that.

I have a hard time with 'understanding' her behavior. This is a four year old child whom has a good mom and beyond that it is TERRIBLY confusing to tell a child that. Take away the ugly motivation (because it was motivated by ugly) and in my opinion it is wrong to say, in any circumstance, "BLANK is your NEW mommy now."
Irreprehensible.
I'm not his mother, and in no way wish to compete to be his mother. I'm simply his father's new wife, and that simply makes me his "Amy" - I am an additional adult figure in his life to look up to, to learn from, etc. Our situation is the wrought with a bad bio-mom and if it was, her behavior would remain irreprehensible #1 and #2 it wouldn't at all be her place to 'explain' what and who I am to him (that's his father's job and mine).
I'm sorry...I just really CAN NOT see any reason or justification to harm, yes harm a 4 year old child like that - to confuse him - to scare him - all of it!

And didn't write about the fallout from my MIL's bad behavior as I wanted to focus on the behavior but what her choice caused was a four year old to question his step-father (two weeks later mind you), "When is mommy going away?"
Step-father's response, "Mommy isn't going away, why do you ask that?
Child's follow-up, "Because Amy is my new mommy, and not my mommy anymore."

So what exactly about that was productive, was positive for that child to soak in for nearly two weeks and be worried enough to ask about...it obviously didn't go in one ear and out the other.

And nevermind what my husband had to deal with from the ex...as she was not pleased and very understandably so. It took much calming and strength for all parties to stay adult, to explain that it hadn't come from me or my husband, and that we should have approched this with her (the ex) when it happend to avoid this child worrying as he did...

It was inappropirate and it cause a huge mess, and negatively impacted an innocent child.

You are absolutely right. I apologize for having said anything.

I'm not looking for an apology, and I'm sorry if my last post came of brash...seriously the frustration is from trying to understand and knowing how to move forward with my MIL as it concerns my step-son.
I apologize.

Maybe u and your hubby should sit down w/ his mom and set ground rules which must be followed if she wants to be a part of his life. And, let him do the talking. She doesn't have to agree or understand (I doubt she could), she just has to comply. I would do this to avoid any future damage, maybe u could even let bio mom be a part of it.

I would say just to explain to your ss that you are not trying to take the place of his mother but that you love him as much as you would your own son. Explain to him that he does not have to call you Mommy no matter what grandma says. Hopefully at least the ex will know where you stand in all of this. Angelique