Step Families Support Group

Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.

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Responsabily of mom but not mom

deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband and I have shared custody of his 2 kids, every other week, i have full custody of mine. his ex is causing problems, she wants me to keep the kids before and after school on her week, I did that last year and she took advantage, not pick them up on time or ask us to keep them overnight, all with no warning. I never knew if I was cooking for 2 or4, could'nt make any plans cause I had to wait on her. We are suppose to be at her beckon call on her week to have the kids even the weekend. I usually run them around 3 or 4 days a week on her week. She never helps on our week if someone needs a ride or anything. I told her "no" for the second time in a year, and she is mad, and is using the kids to get even, first she told us "then I'm not letting u get the kids for church on my Sun.", then she called my hubs mom and told her we are mean to the kids. Now, she is trying to turn his 11yr old girl against us and is trying to talk her into moving w/ her to another state. My hubs mom said that My hub and his ex should sit down alone and discuss how they want to raise the kids and what the schedule should be. I should stay out of it cause I'm not a parent. Is this right? Shouldn't my hub and I decide what rules are in our house. She is very irresponsible and parties all the time she got arrested last month for pub intox and fighting.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are right in that you and your husband should decide on rules of the house together, but for discussions about how the kids will be raised, it would be just your husband and his ex. What he can do is discuss things with her in private, but not make any decisions until he has a chance to talk with you. I know it sounds almost unbelievable that you're good enough to take care of the kids, but not good enough to be in on the discussion. Unfortunately, they are the parents, and they have to decide how to raise their children - you just kinda wish they both behaved like adults to do that. I know it doesn't sound fair - you have my sympathy.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We can't have different rules in the house for mine and his, they are the same ages, so what is left to discuss? Their rules are based on how we want the kids to be raised.
deleted_user
deleted_user
This sounds a lot liek my house. My step kids lived with us every other week and last year they came here before and after school as well. About a month ago out of the blue, they hit us with the fact that they want to live with their mom. That's a whole other story, but we do have the same issues with rules. I wish I had some good advice for you, but it drives me crazy that he wants to let his kids do whatever they want especially because they aren't here as much anymore, and I maintain the rules for my kids, which doesn't seem fair to them. In my opinion, you and your husband should work together and lay down ground rules for your home and whoever is in your home follows those rules. Maybe even get the kids involved. I don't think setting basic rules that are right up front so everyone knows them is so wrong. Having rules/guidelines for appropriate behavior in your own home is your right. This is what I would like to happen in my house, but right now the whole thing is so crazy, I can't see that happening. Anyway, I don't know if this helps, other than to know you aren't alone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You and your husband need to sit down before he talks to his ex and clarify the rules IN YOUR HOUSE. Understand that those are the rules that you have not only set for the children, but also for yourself. What are you willing to do? What length are you willing to go to? If you and he decide that she cannot leave the kids at the house overnight without at least 24 hours notice, then that should be that. Once he's in with the ex, there are different choices to be made when it comes to the kids, like what kind of TV they're allowed to watch or when they go to which church, etc. That's between them. However, you have a right not to be walked all over. Make sure you and your husband are clear on what you expect and what you're willing to bend on. Then ask him to go have a talk with her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
"My hubs mom said that My hub and his ex should sit down alone and discuss how they want to raise the kids and what the schedule should be. I should stay out of it cause I'm not a parent. Is this right?"

No, it's not right! You are just as involved in this as they are. This is your house and you help take care of those kids when they are with you and their father.

I hate when people think that the step parents have no role in decision making or important issues just because the child is not biologically theirs, it's bullsh*t!

Your house, YOUR rules! :)

~bella
CosmicLibrarian
CosmicLibrarian
Yes, you should discuss the "house rules" with your DH. That home, belongs to BOTH of you. Not both of you and the ex. She is taking total advantage of you both. Set the rules and the tone. Be united with your spouse and do not allow anyone to divide and conquer you. Not the kids, not the ex.

My DH doesn't make any decisions about his son, until he speaks to me first. Usually, I have better ideas about the situation, then he does. Doesn't hurt, that I can outwit the evil ex! LOL

Good luck!!! You are gonna need it. It's never easy dealing with a nasty, evil ex. Keep us posted.
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