Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
Here's my story: We're into our 2nd year of marriage and I have 2 stepkids, both boys(14&16).
Because of ongoing courtbattles I didn't meet them until this past summer when they spend 8 weeks with us. A difficult time for me adjusting to 2 strangers in the house and the mess they create. But in the end I knew they would go back with their mom who lives a few states away. Did I mention that they hate living with their mom? So they decided to act up in an attempt to get send packing and now they got their wish. Starting next week mom agreed to a change in custody and the boys will be living with us permanently. My husband is thrilled-I'm panicked! I knew that the older one was going to live with us within a year but not both of them and not this soon. We had plenty of problems with the 14 year old this summer and I had a tough time dealing with the irresponsibility and carelessness of a teeanager. He's got poor attitude, is manipulative, in my opinion lies and says whatever it takes to get his dad off his back when he messed up. He is smart enough to figure out what it is, his dad wants to hear and just says it to get off the hook. Until next time. My husband almost send him back a few times this past summer but then decided against it. In his mind the kid is just frustrated with the living situation and the knowledge that at the end of the summer he has to go back to his mom.
Giving all that, is my SS going to change for the better once he gets to stay with us for good? Can anybody tell me that there is hope? I'm affraid this new family situation is going to cause major problems between me and my husband. I don't know how to even talk to his kids and feel uncomfortable around them. Because I can't stand my SS's mopey attitude or the poor decisions he makes there is always a bit of hostility in place. I can't help but feel that this kid thinks his dad owes him big time for "his suffering" even though we spend almost $100 000,- in attorneys fees. This summer he actually thought he deserved an expensive wake board even after he was nearly arrested! Somebody out there: am I overreacting, hyperventilating, going off the deep end? Can anybody help me get over this hostility I'm feeling? Or give me some pointers on how to talk to or act around this kid? By the way, the older SS I have an easier time with. He's more mature and handles himself totally different. There are some issues but nothing that can't be dealt with. Is anybody out there in a simillar situation?
Because of ongoing courtbattles I didn't meet them until this past summer when they spend 8 weeks with us. A difficult time for me adjusting to 2 strangers in the house and the mess they create. But in the end I knew they would go back with their mom who lives a few states away. Did I mention that they hate living with their mom? So they decided to act up in an attempt to get send packing and now they got their wish. Starting next week mom agreed to a change in custody and the boys will be living with us permanently. My husband is thrilled-I'm panicked! I knew that the older one was going to live with us within a year but not both of them and not this soon. We had plenty of problems with the 14 year old this summer and I had a tough time dealing with the irresponsibility and carelessness of a teeanager. He's got poor attitude, is manipulative, in my opinion lies and says whatever it takes to get his dad off his back when he messed up. He is smart enough to figure out what it is, his dad wants to hear and just says it to get off the hook. Until next time. My husband almost send him back a few times this past summer but then decided against it. In his mind the kid is just frustrated with the living situation and the knowledge that at the end of the summer he has to go back to his mom.
Giving all that, is my SS going to change for the better once he gets to stay with us for good? Can anybody tell me that there is hope? I'm affraid this new family situation is going to cause major problems between me and my husband. I don't know how to even talk to his kids and feel uncomfortable around them. Because I can't stand my SS's mopey attitude or the poor decisions he makes there is always a bit of hostility in place. I can't help but feel that this kid thinks his dad owes him big time for "his suffering" even though we spend almost $100 000,- in attorneys fees. This summer he actually thought he deserved an expensive wake board even after he was nearly arrested! Somebody out there: am I overreacting, hyperventilating, going off the deep end? Can anybody help me get over this hostility I'm feeling? Or give me some pointers on how to talk to or act around this kid? By the way, the older SS I have an easier time with. He's more mature and handles himself totally different. There are some issues but nothing that can't be dealt with. Is anybody out there in a simillar situation?
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
As far as how you should talk to them, you should talk to them as adults, which is what they will be soon, but do not allow them to talk to you as a peer. My oldest son will be 17 next month, and sometimes he forgets that I am his mother and talks to me as if I were one of his peers. I have to remind him that I am the parent, and not one of his friends. For example, you can talk to them about their day, but if they left a mess, let them know that they need to clean up their own mess. I wish you the best. If you want to talk, just send me a message.
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that me trying to raise them was not going to work.
I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that if I desired I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor or try to put a stick in their siblings eye I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Their Mom was the disciplinarian.
I would talk to her in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%. Yes my tongue was sore at times. But it worked.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they had me pictured as their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that". They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions. Not me. They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw them. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault they got caught. Can't blame me any longer.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Written today: this does not fit your situation exactly but I hope the concept gives you something to consider.