
Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
How involved should I get w/BM and partnering

deleted_user
I am the sm of sd,11 and ss, 14. Their mom is a great mom and has been very good to me. I've been married for just over a year. I've recently been talking to the bio-mom about trying to get our household rules a bit more in line with each others so the kids don't have to remember totally different rules at each home.
Also, my husband does not always convey to me things about the kids that his ex tells him.
The bio mom and I talked and believe it would be good for us to partner in raising the kids. Now, the kids HATE their step dad and bio mom knows that so that is a sticky situation. The kids do like me however.
What potential problems can you all see with this that I may not be seeing.
What kinds of reactions can I expect from my husband that I may not have realized.
I would like input from step dads, bio dads, step moms and bio moms.
Thanks,
Also, my husband does not always convey to me things about the kids that his ex tells him.
The bio mom and I talked and believe it would be good for us to partner in raising the kids. Now, the kids HATE their step dad and bio mom knows that so that is a sticky situation. The kids do like me however.
What potential problems can you all see with this that I may not be seeing.
What kinds of reactions can I expect from my husband that I may not have realized.
I would like input from step dads, bio dads, step moms and bio moms.
Thanks,
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I think its great that you two ladies want to keep things smooth for the children. You are doing what so many step/bio parents seem unable to do: Put The Children First.
I think the best rule of thumb would be to let the bio-mom be the final authority on rule making.
I'm basing this on the assumption that the kids live with the bio-mom and visit with you on weekends and such.
I.e. if the two mom's disagree on a rule then the bio-mom's rule stands.
Am I correct that the kids hate the bio-moms new spouse? Well there's not much you can do about that. I would sympathize with the kids if they complain and make suggestions to them about how they can get along. But always be careful not to undermine the bio-mom and her's spouses authority.
My advise to the bio-mom's spouse, the step-father, would be to stay out of his step-kids life as much as he can. He'll never win them over and its useless to try. Just stay neutral.
I don't see any problems that cannot be overcome. Just deal with them as they come along.
I would suggest a meeting with all four of you. Talk about the situation, and get everyone's input, on how they feel the rules should be. That way, all of you are on the same page as far as the rules go. If one of the kids doesn't adhere to the rules, then all of you are on the same page, and can discipline each child accordingly.
Afterwards, you can include the kids and tell them about the rules. Let them know, that all four of you are the same page. One parent will not slack off on the rules, while three of you enforce them. Lot's of times, kids try the "divide and conquer" scheme. As parents and SPs, you should show a united front, if possible. You are lucky enough, to have a pretty decent relationship with DH's ex.
I know from my own experience, that what you two want to do, would never work with my SS's BM. She hates the very ground I walk on, and I've never done anything to her. I'm only guilty of loving her son. That love, is something that I am not ashamed of.
Tread carefully, this will be a very delicate situation. Good luck! I hope my suggestion has merit.