Step Families Support Group

Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.

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Help with new step-daughter issues

deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi, I'm new here and am looking to find out what "normal" means...don't laugh! I am reading Enlighted Stepmotherhood, and I was dismayed when I didn't see any help there for my situation. I am newly co-habited with my partner of almost two years. He is divorced and has a 12 year Chinese adopted daughter (he's Euro-Amer, as am I). She has attachment issues, but was adopted early--at 6 mos. Her adoptive mom is alive. He has just about half custody. Which means we have her most weekends. She's not at all happy about our relationship.

So here are my issues. 1) he hasn't told her yet that we are, for all practical purposes, living together. I have to keep an extra studio to go stay the night in during at least one of the weekend nights she is here.
2) although the upstairs, our bedroom, is large, there isn't any privacy. He is letting her sleep in one of the closets (she really wants to do this) because of her anxiety. But it means we really have no privacy when she is here. Since he works out of town, we really have only one or two nights when we have privacy together.
3) he is currently with her at Disneyland. I was decidedly not invited because she doesn't want me on their vacations. They also went away together on Christmas break--before I lived here. In the ES book, I was saddened because the assumption is that the family vacations together, and sometimes the step-mom encourages them to go off together. Here, the assumption is that they go together. And I feel left out. He and I haven't gone away together since last summer. He says it's because I don't have any money (which is true--just having moved, I have to start my biz over again--so I'm broke)

Now, I understand how much he feels caught between us. And he is very emotionally available and tries to do the right things. But I have a lot fears about the direction this is headed in. It doesn't seem like it's good for his daughter--and I feel like an outsider in my own home. We hardly have a united front, since I'm mostly uninvolved with their relationship. I find I'm beginning to feel very resentful, and like the "other woman". And I just don't know what is appropriate!

I was scared away from a forum before because someone told me to leave the relationship. There's a lot that's good about our relationship though, and I don't want to leave. What I really want is to know what is appropriate, what I have a right to ask for, and how to communicate this to him most effectively. I think he needs to know that this isn't good for his daughter, but I'm a little unsure of myself with regard to her attachment issues and anxiety level. Any help with this would be immensely appreciated. Thanks in advance. L.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You are right. This is not good for the daughter. He is putting this 12 year old in an adult role (might be part of the reason for her anxiety) where she is allowed to make adult decisions...like you not being able to come along. If he is afraid of hurting his daughter then he should stop lying to her. If you have become a serious couple (maybe leading towards marriage) then she needs to be aware of this. It sounds to me like she needs some counseling. It wouldnt hurt for you and your partner to attend some counseling sessions dealing with this issue as well. The way he is treating his daughter now will not only be bad for you (if you stay in the picture) but, it is bad for his daughter. BTWI agree that sometimes the parent should have some alone time with the child but, there are times where you should be involved as well. Of course you do not have a united front; the daughter thinks that she has power over you. Right now your significant other has given that power to her. She is the child here and you two are the adults. He needs to take his place in the household and not let his daughter rule certain situations. He can let her know that she can have an opinion but, daddy has the last call. Hang in there. If you partner likes the way it is and will not change then Ill bet anything that things will become much worse for you (and the daughter and him).
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thanks Molly05. I don't know where to reply to a reply, so I'll just post here. I believe the child is in counseling. And I've made mistakes to alleviate her dad's anxieties by agreeing to let her sleep in the closet, etc., because I could see how very painful it was to him to feel caught in-between, and how much he wants to make the transition for his daughter easier and less stressful. It is so complicated. I think his guilt over the divorce (five years ago) is making him overcompensate. He acts like a man who is being unfaithful when he pays attention to me when she is around. He really pulls back on his affection toward me. On the other hand, he seems to be aware of the issues and the need to make the transition, but the way he is handling it makes me fearful of the dynamic he is setting up. When we first moved in, it felt like my house. But increasingly, I'm feeling more depressed and less like it's mine--and more like I am visiting "their" house. I agreed to go away on a night of their weekends together to give them time alone--but now I regret that. It just feels wrong to pretend I'm a visitor in my own home. I think I agreed to do it because I was so afraid he would never make the decision to live together--so that's my bad...and I'll cop to having said what he wanted to hear so that we could move things along. But at the time I really believed I could agree to it. In reality, it feels bad and not healthy, and, well, all of the above.....thanks for listening!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hon, you can't do this forever, and eventually the little girl is going to find out. What will that do to her anxiety? Knowing her father lied to her about his relationship with you? He needs to talk with her soon and there needs to be some ground rules put in place so that you don't have to be a stanger in your own home. The only way around this is to include the daughter in all communication, but as molly05 said, she doesn't make the decisions. If there is ANYTHING at all that you have in common with his daughter, try very had to build upon that. Just remember if she's 12, that is at least 6 more years of this, maybe more if she doesn't move out on her own. There are many ways to handle this situation, and I have to say that the way it is being handled currently is NOT the right way. I am not trying to be mean, but something has got to give. And the father can fix this without "ignoring" his daughter. And counseling is never a bad idea, especially when dealing with a child that has anxiety issues. Good luck to you. I hope you can be as much of a family as possible soon!!
Thriver
Thriver
It would be different if she did not have attachment issues. That changes everything. It is hard to interpret what should be done unless you are personally familiar with that type of issue (I am not).
I would try to get more informed about it, and maybe consult a professional to think through how this is all going to affect the daughter and you two adults. Normally I would say that a 12 year old should not be in the room with 2 adults sleeping together, or an adult of the opposite gender, but with her issues that may be all wrong, and probably is. Normal is not what you are going to have if her disorder is more than mild. Good luck.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You have every right to be frustrated. I have a 12 year old step-daaughter with anxiety too. She lives with us now, full time. Her anxiety will only be made worse by his dishonesty about your relationship. Also, allowing his daughter to sleep in the room only feeds the flame. She will never learn to deal with her anxiety if he enables her in this way. It sound as though you have given up a lot of yourself for this individual. He needs to do the same. He has been divorced for 5 years... That is a bit too long to baby his daughter. If you guys are serious enough to move in together... You should not be paying (especially when finances are tight) to stay in a studio. Contrary to what your husband believes, kids are not stupid. I can say with almost absolute certainty that she know you guys are living together. She is probably just taking advantage of the situation by playing dumb. Remember, she IS a preteen. Any how, I wish you luck!
Take Care of YOURSELF,
Malaena
deleted_user
deleted_user
In looking at all this, and reading a few books, I'm beginning to realize that what I need is more education, and more clear communication with my partner. I think we've been sort of haphazardly going at this without any clear strategy--so we need to sit down and share all of our feelings and beliefs, and come up with a cohesive plan. I think, also, my part is that I need to own up to how I've allowed things to happen by being a little too passive. He and I both need more education about what is appropriate, and I'm going to see if he'll go for counseling. If not, the least we can do is read and discuss a few of these books together. I think the books are helping because they are normalizing this whole process, and helping me see that I'm not alone, and not crazy (this forum, also). I'm a lot less "triggered" now, and I feel like when he and his daughter come back from Disneyland we'll be able to have an adult discussion about what I've been learning. First, I plan to validate how difficult this has been for both of us, and hear his feelings--then he'll get to hear mine. I think I've been waiting too long to bring things up because I was unsure of myself. It really helps to have support, and the actively educate myself on what is appropriate. Thanks for all the posts and support.
deleted_user
deleted_user
well i truely understand about feeling like an outsider. First of all if he wants to be with you he has to be able to bring his daughter along with this relationship because she is apart of him and now so are you. i really can't understand why you are not allowed to stay in the house when she is over. she is older now so she should be able to understand what is going on. unless of course she thinks he is still with the step mom you have to think about that. You are the main woman in his life but he is treating you like you are second or third check that out you deserve more than what you are getting
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do not know what to say to you...I have been living with the same thing for over 16 years and now, for a second time, my husband has left me due to his youngest daughter who is now 21 with a child of her own. I am sick over it all and I KNOW without any doubt that had he not given her power over me, none of this would have ever happened.
I am your future if you can not get him to see what he is doing by placing the two of you in the positions in his life he is. I just posted begging for advice on how to survive the interference of a stepchild, my marriage is now on the line as a result.
I do have one question - how does the child's mother feel about you and your situation with her ex? If it is not good, her effect on the child can undermine everything you do.
Counseling for all of you would be a great way to start.
I wish you all the best, hoping the child's father will wake up and see what the long term effect of his actions will be for his and himself and I pray for you in this situation
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