
Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.

deleted_user
Hi, I'm new here and am looking to find out what "normal" means...don't laugh! I am reading Enlighted Stepmotherhood, and I was dismayed when I didn't see any help there for my situation. I am newly co-habited with my partner of almost two years. He is divorced and has a 12 year Chinese adopted daughter (he's Euro-Amer, as am I). She has attachment issues, but was adopted early--at 6 mos. Her adoptive mom is alive. He has just about half custody. Which means we have her most weekends. She's not at all happy about our relationship.
So here are my issues. 1) he hasn't told her yet that we are, for all practical purposes, living together. I have to keep an extra studio to go stay the night in during at least one of the weekend nights she is here.
2) although the upstairs, our bedroom, is large, there isn't any privacy. He is letting her sleep in one of the closets (she really wants to do this) because of her anxiety. But it means we really have no privacy when she is here. Since he works out of town, we really have only one or two nights when we have privacy together.
3) he is currently with her at Disneyland. I was decidedly not invited because she doesn't want me on their vacations. They also went away together on Christmas break--before I lived here. In the ES book, I was saddened because the assumption is that the family vacations together, and sometimes the step-mom encourages them to go off together. Here, the assumption is that they go together. And I feel left out. He and I haven't gone away together since last summer. He says it's because I don't have any money (which is true--just having moved, I have to start my biz over again--so I'm broke)
Now, I understand how much he feels caught between us. And he is very emotionally available and tries to do the right things. But I have a lot fears about the direction this is headed in. It doesn't seem like it's good for his daughter--and I feel like an outsider in my own home. We hardly have a united front, since I'm mostly uninvolved with their relationship. I find I'm beginning to feel very resentful, and like the "other woman". And I just don't know what is appropriate!
I was scared away from a forum before because someone told me to leave the relationship. There's a lot that's good about our relationship though, and I don't want to leave. What I really want is to know what is appropriate, what I have a right to ask for, and how to communicate this to him most effectively. I think he needs to know that this isn't good for his daughter, but I'm a little unsure of myself with regard to her attachment issues and anxiety level. Any help with this would be immensely appreciated. Thanks in advance. L.
So here are my issues. 1) he hasn't told her yet that we are, for all practical purposes, living together. I have to keep an extra studio to go stay the night in during at least one of the weekend nights she is here.
2) although the upstairs, our bedroom, is large, there isn't any privacy. He is letting her sleep in one of the closets (she really wants to do this) because of her anxiety. But it means we really have no privacy when she is here. Since he works out of town, we really have only one or two nights when we have privacy together.
3) he is currently with her at Disneyland. I was decidedly not invited because she doesn't want me on their vacations. They also went away together on Christmas break--before I lived here. In the ES book, I was saddened because the assumption is that the family vacations together, and sometimes the step-mom encourages them to go off together. Here, the assumption is that they go together. And I feel left out. He and I haven't gone away together since last summer. He says it's because I don't have any money (which is true--just having moved, I have to start my biz over again--so I'm broke)
Now, I understand how much he feels caught between us. And he is very emotionally available and tries to do the right things. But I have a lot fears about the direction this is headed in. It doesn't seem like it's good for his daughter--and I feel like an outsider in my own home. We hardly have a united front, since I'm mostly uninvolved with their relationship. I find I'm beginning to feel very resentful, and like the "other woman". And I just don't know what is appropriate!
I was scared away from a forum before because someone told me to leave the relationship. There's a lot that's good about our relationship though, and I don't want to leave. What I really want is to know what is appropriate, what I have a right to ask for, and how to communicate this to him most effectively. I think he needs to know that this isn't good for his daughter, but I'm a little unsure of myself with regard to her attachment issues and anxiety level. Any help with this would be immensely appreciated. Thanks in advance. L.
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I would try to get more informed about it, and maybe consult a professional to think through how this is all going to affect the daughter and you two adults. Normally I would say that a 12 year old should not be in the room with 2 adults sleeping together, or an adult of the opposite gender, but with her issues that may be all wrong, and probably is. Normal is not what you are going to have if her disorder is more than mild. Good luck.
Take Care of YOURSELF,
Malaena
I am your future if you can not get him to see what he is doing by placing the two of you in the positions in his life he is. I just posted begging for advice on how to survive the interference of a stepchild, my marriage is now on the line as a result.
I do have one question - how does the child's mother feel about you and your situation with her ex? If it is not good, her effect on the child can undermine everything you do.
Counseling for all of you would be a great way to start.
I wish you all the best, hoping the child's father will wake up and see what the long term effect of his actions will be for his and himself and I pray for you in this situation